Cute Death For Cabbie

MONTAUK, NY—Veteran Long Island taxicab operator Nick Vickers was found dead in his own cab last night, some children have told me. The children, ages 7-10, are currently enrolled at Scudder Elementary School, a local magnet school located downtown adjacent Prambler’s Get-A-Long specializing in animal cosmetology. They discovered the body yesterday evening in the P.M.

Fourth grader Windy Whitney: “After school, me and my friends crossed the park to the Get-A-Long to buy a Miniature horse saddle. We had a coupon. We were planning to dress up Pippen the Miniature horse, who is our school mascot, in a manner befitting a female Miniature horse who is going to the prom. We had sewn a horizontal gown and the saddle was to be gold leafed. My first name is Whitney, by the way. You got it backwards.”

But reports indicate that upon entering the tack shop, the children were unable to purchase the saddle of their choice because their miniature coupon was too terribly small and the clerk was unable to read it. Distraught, the children ventured to the stables to break the news to Pippen, who was already wearing the dress. It was then they discovered Vickers’ body, which was sitting peacefully in the driver’s seat of his taxicab near Woodentree Park.

“We walked up to the cab and got in because we were too saddened to walk back to school. We had no idea what to say to our horse, or any ideas for what in the world the marmoset was going to do now that we didn’t have a saddle. The marmoset was going to ride in the saddle. They were going to be the prom queen and king. That’s when we noticed this guy was either dead or a mannequin. But then we poked him, and he wasn’t a mannequin.”

Cause of death has not been established, but police are in possession of a puppy and three ducklings that were found in a basket in the passenger’s seat of the cab. They were in full prom makeup.

“There was a note in the basket addressed to the children of Scudder Elementary from the dead guy. It said that he went to our school when he was a kid, and that he was donating the animals to the prom committee. He was on his way to the barnyard salon when I guess he had a heart attack. We will never forget him. We are going to re-name Pippen the Miniature horse to Taxihorse in honor of the taxi we found the dead guy in. Yes, we are painting her yellow.”

The children have petitioned City Council to re-name Woodentree Park after Vickers as well, but have been unsuccessful because the mayor came up with that name and everybody agrees that it is a very funny name for a park.

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Free House Fight Fuels Fishermen, Firemen’s Feud

MONTAUK, NY – A certain set of citizens are in uproar over an uproar that occurred last night at Swilly’s free house, a local pub.

Swilly’s is known as a favorite haunt amongst the Montauk fisherman community, but last night the pub was overrun by members of the Suffolk county volunteer fire department, whose own favorite pub, Willy’s, burned down under mysterious circumstances last week. Rumors that local fishermen were to blame for the fire was no doubt the cause of the massive fight that broke out between both groups last night.

Grant Pine, Chief of the SFD and member of the brawl, said: “Everybody knows that those old fishermen burned down Willy’s. They thought it would be a funny joke. And they were jealous of our whores.”

In addition to being taverns, both Swilly’s and Willy’s are known whorehouses.

“Those old bastards knew that once Willy’s was gone, all our beautiful whores would wander over to Swilly’s looking to make their money,” Pine states. “And guess what we saw when we got over there – all of our whores! So naturally we had to start beating the fishermen mercilessly.”

“We were not beaten mercilessly. We put up a good fight,” says Ben Stocking, 67-year-old fisherman and Swilly’s regular. “Yes, we may have started the fire at Willy’s. Yes, we may have stolen the firemen’s whores. And yes, I may have slept with Chief Pine’s daughter, but we most certainly did not steal the high school mascot, Bernie the Bulldog…we may have stolen Bernie the Bulldog. You’re not going to print any of this, are you?”

The bad blood between the fishermen and firemen is not new. The groups have been at odds ever since the firemen’s ball incident of 1987, in which the town’s fishermen were to provide all the delicious fish to be eaten at the firemen’s ball that year. But the fish was not refrigerated properly, and the firemen all became violently ill. It is unknown whether the food poisoning was intentional, but the feud has been going on ever since.

When police arrived on the scene of the brawl last night, they too were dragged into the fight.

“We came to settle the place down,” says Officer Dana Flurry, “but everyone knows that both the fishermen and firemen in this town make prank calls to 9-1-1 all the time. So naturally some of us felt the need to rough a few of them up.”

The fighting eventually stopped around 1:30 AM this morning, when all parties involved decided that they were too exhausted to fight anymore, and that it was a good time to have a drink, and a visit with one of Swilly’s famous whores.

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Toxic Toilet Tissue Torments Troubled Town

MONTAUK, NY – Citizens are in uproar over some bad toilet paper that they all bought at the store.

The toilet paper, which was not real toilet paper, but rolled-up Poison sumac, was purchased in bulk by customers at Chargey’s Tip-Top Goods, a local Long Island discount store. An estimated 1,200 rolls have been sold as of Monday.

Barbara Squib, a Chargey’s customer “knew something was wrong” after she “used the toilet paper and immediately felt a terrible burning sensation” on her backside. However, Squib continued to use the Poison sumac to clean herself for days because she attributed the burning rash to a food allergy, and because it was such a good bargain.

“I know now that the toilet paper was toxic,” says Squib, “but it was so inexpensive, and there was a picture of a pink anthropomorphic bear on the package. I love talking bears. I love Smokey the Bear. Only I can prevent forest fires.”

When confronted about the toilet paper by victims of the toilet paper, Randall Wise, owner of Chargey’s Tip-Top Goods, had this to say:

“I stand by each of my products. I obtained the shipment of the so-called poisoned toilet paper from a group of Italian-American businessmen who charged me only a fraction of what I would pay for name brand toilet paper in exchange for selling only their particular line of bathroom products, and for letting them take a small percentage of the profit I made, which was substantial, because everyone in this town is crazy about talking bears.”

Chargey’s has five locations in the Montauk area, and each store has nearly sold out of the toilet paper in question despite public health concerns. Other popular products at Chargey’s include aftershave which is allegedly pure gasoline, deodorant which is allegedly a stick of hardened bacon grease, hair pomade which is allegedly hog semen, and toothpaste that is allegedly a sugar-based narcotic known on the street as “Snow Cone.”

When asked about the unusual products, Wise denied any involvement in illegal activity and the alleged murder of his wife.

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Christ Crucified Causes Commotion

MONTAUK, NY – Citizens are in uproar over a living display of a bleeding, crucified Jesus Christ on the front lawn of the First Holy Guilt Trip Catholic Church of Long Island. The display, in which area man Jeff Littlefield is dressed as Christ and is actually nailed to an actual wooden cross, with local Boy Scout troop 4125 dressed as Roman centurions who are actually beating him with large sticks and mocking him, was erected this morning to celebrate Easter Sunday.

The church, which sits at the busy intersection of 5th Street and Main, is directly across from Chompsky’s, a popular family restaurant. Patrons of the restaurant and their children, upon viewing the crucifixion display, immediately began protesting the controversial scene.

“It’s just so bloody,” says Ira Bean, father of four and Chompsky’s regular. “I get that they want to celebrate Easter, but why does it have to be so violent? All I want to do is take my family to a nice breakfast. Not re-live the worst moment in Jesus’ life…And wait, wasn’t Jesus crucified on Good Friday? Today is Easter, the day he came back from the dead. I don’t get it.”

Father Sean O’Malley, orchestrator of the crucifixion, had this to say: “Jeff is a real sport for letting us kill him in such a public fashion. He’s a real great guy. I almost wish we weren’t murdering him, but it’s just such a fabulous way to celebrate the wonderful sacrifice Christ made for us all. And I’m sure that three days after Jeff’s death, Jesus will see fit to bring him back from the dead. I just hope he doesn’t crave human brains afterward! Just kidding.”

Churchgoers stood their ground against the protestors after Sunday mass. Gloria Tate, lifelong member of First Holy Guilt Trip, said the following: “I don’t see what these people’s problem is. Jesus being crucified is a cherished image. You’ll find crucifixes in most of the homes in town. The murder of Christ is one of my favorite Bible stories, along with the one about the guy who murdered his son, the one about the angel of death who murdered all the first born sons of Egypt, or the one about the guy who murdered his brother. I much prefer the Bible to television. Television is just so violent.”

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Monopoly Makers Mistakenly Misplace Montauk’s Morning Meal

MONTAUK, NY – Citizens have been in uproar over a bad shipment of the Kellogg’s cereal, Smart Start, since Wednesday of last week. The popular cereal, which arrives by ship every month to the glee of thousands of Long Islanders, was not found in any of the 3,000 boxes ordered. Instead, the boxes are filled with what citizens are calling “small objects in the shape of common things, like a hat, a boot, or a wheelbarrow.”

Dr. Sheila Milly, scientist at Montauk’s Institute for Discovery confirmed Thursday what everyone feared.

“The boxes are not filled with delicious Smart Start cereal. They are filled with Monopoly pieces.”

One local man, who wished to remain anonymous, claims God told him of the forthcoming mistake in a dream.

“‘Tom Fenton,’ God said, ‘I’m gonna tell you something now, and I want you to listen. Tom, there’s gonna come a time when all the world seems upside down. But you are one of my favorite sons, so I want to give you a little bit of a warning. Next week, when the big ship comes with all the crates of Kellog’s Smart Start cereal, I know you’re gonna be so happy. But Tom, remember what I said to that guy: “Let the first be the last, and let the last have the spoils.” What I mean is, you better not count your eggs in one basket because instead of Smart Start, it’s gonna be Monopoly pieces.’ So then I woke up, said three rosaries, and went to New York and bought up all the Smart Start that I could. Now who’s laughing?”

An executive with Kellogg’s had this to say:

“We at Kellogg’s know how important our cereal brands are to our customers and their families. We have absolutely no idea how this happened. It kind of freaks me out when I think about it. We want the citizens of Montauk to know that we are deeply sorry and are placing a recall on all the 3,000 boxes of Monopoly pieces. Please do not eat the Monopoly pieces. If you have a Monopoly board with missing pieces, now might be a good time to get those missing pieces before you mail back the box.”

Kellogg’s also announced that an emergency shipment of Product 19 cereal will be sent to the island immediately. News of this has been met with luke-warm enthusiasm.

Hasbro has neither confirmed nor denied the error.

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