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Realistic Resolutions

by Joseph on January 6, 2007
Chapter: Backpage Comics
└ Tags: Animals, Food, Health/Wellness, Politics, Pop Culture
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Hello. I'm Joseph Devens. Welcome to the Internet home of the Whale Cartoon, or the Whale Comic Strip, as it is known to its friends. My message is simple: Whale, which is a funny webcomic featuring dogs and rabbits, birds and swine, monotremes, a human girl child, a gentleman who looks like Montana, sometimes a moderately sexy android, and a whole lot of celebrity guests, is the greatest thing you will ever put in your brainflaps. Join Whale on his adventures with Little Girl as they explore new heights of surreality and awkwardness. Or, spend time with Pig and Duck as they straddle the line between what's scientifically possible and what's dramatically plausible. Perhaps spend an afternoon or two with Murphy, as he interviews IfTheodoreRooseveltWereARabbit, in complete disregard for his own sanity. I advise against spending any time with Montanaface, you will wish you were dead. And don't forget to peek in on a date with Duck and Sarah 4020, which may lead you to question whether a robot sexual partner may be in your own near future. Oh, and Platypus. There's a platypus in here somewhere. Thank you, and goodnight.

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HOT GIRL (talking to Montanaface): I know this sounds forward, but you are EXACTLY my type. You wanna maybe Netflix and chill my brains out? MONTANAFACE: I only got one rule in my life, babe--never trust a chick with bangs. What's she got under there, I don't know! Secrets? Lies? Rumors? A rabid family of mice? Is she wearing a wire? God knows. No thanks, you duplicitous harpy. HOT GIRL (now only in sexy lingerie, holding a scissors and a handful of hastily chopped off bangs): ...The only 'bangs' I care about involve you, me, a quart of body chocolate, and-- MONTANAFACE: Imma stop you right there, Zooey Lay-from-hell. If I wanted to have nightmarish casual relations with a deranged barber, I'd open up a questionable meat pie shop on Fleet Street. No means no, you smoking-hot daffy fringe witch!

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