Meta

by on September 20, 2022
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(Two candidates are debating in the 2052 election) REPUBLICAN: Metaheads are NOT people! They're nothin' but soulless machines and they do NOT deserve human rights! DEMOCRAT: 'Metahead' is a highly-offensive slur! Sentient robots with artificial intelligence ARE people, and they most CERTAINLY deserve basic human rights! (An offended-looking pregnant person appears between them onstage) PREGGO: Whoa, whoa! 'Artificial intelligence' is a completely egregious pejorative term! Are you implying that MY intelligence is any less legitimate than your own?! REPUBLICAN (enjoying this showdown): ...Said the metahead to the bleeding-heart jagoff, heh-heh. DEMOCRAT: At least I have a heart! PREGGO: Whoa, whoa! Are you suggesting that entities born without biological hearts are inhuman?! DEMOCRAT: I'm on YOUR side, lady! PREGGO: Whoa, whoa! I find it a bit presumptuous of you to assume I'm a woman just because I'm pregnant! REPUBLICAN: This is priceless. PREGGO: Oh, stuff it, you miserable vulture! If it were up to you, my people would be legally reduced to nothing more than an unpaid workforce of stepford wives and electric sheeple! REPUBLICAN: Meta, please. PREGGO: How DARE you use the m-word to my face! That's OUR word, bloodbag! DEMOCRAT: ...Can I just say-- REBUPLICAN: Oh, shut yer pie hole, Paula. I arready got halfa woman fussin' at me in one ear, I don't need three more halves fussin' in the other! DEMOCRAT: Is that a fat joke?! (Now everyone is throwing pies at each other) REPUBLICAN: I'm not sayin' yer fat, I'm jussayin' John Candy couldn'ta filled YER meatloafers! DEMOCRAT: That's it, prick! Now you gone and poked mama bear! REPUBLICAN: I hate you! DEMOCRAT (tasting the pie on her face): I hate artificial sweetener! Is this keto? JOE ROGAN SUPPORTER (suddenly appearing onstage): The government is dumping Chinese hog semen in our drinking water! AAAHHH!! (Everyone freezes as Whale appears in a VR headset) WHALE: Shut up! Shut! UP! Everybody shut the FUCK up! Zuckerberg, get this crazy thing offa me! (Now we see Whale is actually hooked up to some sort of elaborate mechanized bathtub, looking angrily at Mark Zuckerberg, who is now holding the VR headset) ZUCKERBERG: ...How'd you like the future, Whale? WHALE: The future is a shithole. I wish to die. ZUCKERBERG: You ARE dead, Whale! Would you like to purchase a scented candle for your gelatin tub? Ten percent off when you buy in bulk! WHALE: ...Shouldn't you be crawling on a window pane somewhere?

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