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Featuring:

Little Girl

Little Girl has remained unlikely close friends with Whale since her ephemeral career as a Whaleshavik on Long Island Public Television's Whale And Kids during its brief two-season run. She carried the distinction of being the only Whaleshavik personally hired by Whale himself because he believed her to be the girl from his favorite toothpaste commercial. She wasn't.

Comics: 160
Recent Appearance: IfTeddy ASMR
First Appearance: Babies!

Whale

Binomial Nomenclature: Physeter Macrocephalus. Age: 56. Weight: 41,000 Kilograms. Occupation: Jazz Musician. Former Occupation: Host of WLIW Public Television's least educational educational children's variety program, Whale And Kids, from its premier in 1990 to its cancellation in 1992 amid a swarm of controversy surrounding one of the kids being eaten on live television. Religion: Secular Jew. Smokes: Marmots. Loves: Smoking, Mingus, A-1 Steak Sauce. Hates: Water chestnuts, all children except one, the ocean.

Comics: 250
Recent Appearance: Meta
First Appearance: O, Possum

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Marmot Cigarettes

by Joseph on January 25, 2011
Chapter: Whale: Season 09
Characters: Little Girl, Whale
└ Tags: Food, Season Nine
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Hello. I'm Joseph Devens. Welcome to the Internet home of the Whale Cartoon, or the Whale Comic Strip, as it is known to its friends. My message is simple: Whale, which is a funny webcomic featuring dogs and rabbits, birds and swine, monotremes, a human girl child, a gentleman who looks like Montana, sometimes a moderately sexy android, and a whole lot of celebrity guests, is the greatest thing you will ever put in your brainflaps. Join Whale on his adventures with Little Girl as they explore new heights of surreality and awkwardness. Or, spend time with Pig and Duck as they straddle the line between what's scientifically possible and what's dramatically plausible. Perhaps spend an afternoon or two with Murphy, as he interviews IfTheodoreRooseveltWereARabbit, in complete disregard for his own sanity. I advise against spending any time with Montanaface, you will wish you were dead. And don't forget to peek in on a date with Duck and Sarah 4020, which may lead you to question whether a robot sexual partner may be in your own near future. Oh, and Platypus. There's a platypus in here somewhere. Thank you, and goodnight.

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(Two candidates are debating in the 2052 election) REPUBLICAN: Metaheads are NOT people! They're nothin' but soulless machines and they do NOT deserve human rights! DEMOCRAT: 'Metahead' is a highly-offensive slur! Sentient robots with artificial intelligence ARE people, and they most CERTAINLY deserve basic human rights! (An offended-looking pregnant person appears between them onstage) PREGGO: Whoa, whoa! 'Artificial intelligence' is a completely egregious pejorative term! Are you implying that MY intelligence is any less legitimate than your own?! REPUBLICAN (enjoying this showdown): ...Said the metahead to the bleeding-heart jagoff, heh-heh. DEMOCRAT: At least I have a heart! PREGGO: Whoa, whoa! Are you suggesting that entities born without biological hearts are inhuman?! DEMOCRAT: I'm on YOUR side, lady! PREGGO: Whoa, whoa! I find it a bit presumptuous of you to assume I'm a woman just because I'm pregnant! REPUBLICAN: This is priceless. PREGGO: Oh, stuff it, you miserable vulture! If it were up to you, my people would be legally reduced to nothing more than an unpaid workforce of stepford wives and electric sheeple! REPUBLICAN: Meta, please. PREGGO: How DARE you use the m-word to my face! That's OUR word, bloodbag! DEMOCRAT: ...Can I just say-- REBUPLICAN: Oh, shut yer pie hole, Paula. I arready got halfa woman fussin' at me in one ear, I don't need three more halves fussin' in the other! DEMOCRAT: Is that a fat joke?! (Now everyone is throwing pies at each other) REPUBLICAN: I'm not sayin' yer fat, I'm jussayin' John Candy couldn'ta filled YER meatloafers! DEMOCRAT: That's it, prick! Now you gone and poked mama bear! REPUBLICAN: I hate you! DEMOCRAT (tasting the pie on her face): I hate artificial sweetener! Is this keto? JOE ROGAN SUPPORTER (suddenly appearing onstage): The government is dumping Chinese hog semen in our drinking water! AAAHHH!! (Everyone freezes as Whale appears in a VR headset) WHALE: Shut up! Shut! UP! Everybody shut the FUCK up! Zuckerberg, get this crazy thing offa me! (Now we see Whale is actually hooked up to some sort of elaborate mechanized bathtub, looking angrily at Mark Zuckerberg, who is now holding the VR headset) ZUCKERBERG: ...How'd you like the future, Whale? WHALE: The future is a shithole. I wish to die. ZUCKERBERG: You ARE dead, Whale! Would you like to purchase a scented candle for your gelatin tub? Ten percent off when you buy in bulk! WHALE: ...Shouldn't you be crawling on a window pane somewhere?

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