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Featuring:

IfTeddy

Iftheodorerooseveltwerearabbit, I-NY., 'IfTeddy' to his frenemies, is not one of these politicians bound by the shackles of party affiliation, duty, logic, reason, decency, coherence, and consistency, but prefers instead to fuel his service to the citizens of Eastern Long Island with a unique cocktail of highly-offensive spontaneous outbursts, (which are as mystifying to his own ears as they are to his constituents'), close-up magic, 'T', 'A', and drums of actual cocktail. His likes include himself, giant wax effigies of himself, and even gianter oil paintings of the giant effigies of himself. His dislikes include public transportation, Beatles songs, each of the Beatles themselves as human beings, and all of their solo careers except Ringo's.

Comics: 147
Recent Appearance: Stripper Cake
First Appearance: Public Urination

Little Girl

Little Girl has remained unlikely close friends with Whale since her ephemeral career as a Whaleshavik on Long Island Public Television's Whale And Kids during its brief two-season run. She carried the distinction of being the only Whaleshavik personally hired by Whale himself because he believed her to be the girl from his favorite toothpaste commercial. She wasn't.

Comics: 160
Recent Appearance: IfTeddy ASMR
First Appearance: Babies!

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Magic

by Joseph on January 11, 2007
Chapter: Whale: Season 06
Characters: IfTeddy, Little Girl
└ Tags: Season Six, Violence
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Hello. I'm Joseph Devens. Welcome to the Internet home of the Whale Cartoon, or the Whale Comic Strip, as it is known to its friends. My message is simple: Whale, which is a funny webcomic featuring dogs and rabbits, birds and swine, monotremes, a human girl child, a gentleman who looks like Montana, sometimes a moderately sexy android, and a whole lot of celebrity guests, is the greatest thing you will ever put in your brainflaps. Join Whale on his adventures with Little Girl as they explore new heights of surreality and awkwardness. Or, spend time with Pig and Duck as they straddle the line between what's scientifically possible and what's dramatically plausible. Perhaps spend an afternoon or two with Murphy, as he interviews IfTheodoreRooseveltWereARabbit, in complete disregard for his own sanity. I advise against spending any time with Montanaface, you will wish you were dead. And don't forget to peek in on a date with Duck and Sarah 4020, which may lead you to question whether a robot sexual partner may be in your own near future. Oh, and Platypus. There's a platypus in here somewhere. Thank you, and goodnight.

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DUCK (placing pills in a bottle with a tweezers): Ok, first rule of Age Repair Club: tell everybody you know I invented Age Repair Club so I can become famous enough to date St. Vincent. LITTLE GIRL: Uh...I got bad news for you. DUCK: Shush! It can wait! Now just swallow nine of these wildly experimental gumball-sized horse pills I invented ten minutes ago. LITTLE GIRL: ...But I got here four minutes ago. DUCK: You've been seven your whole life and you're arguing with me about the logistics of suppressed time displacement? LITTLE GIRL: Why are the pills GLOWING? DUCK: That's just your basic ionizing radia--look, I would never give you anything that would kill you right away, ok? (A caption reads 'Three Minutes Later') LITTLE GIRL (looking down at her fully-developed woman's body): Hot damn! Boobs! Now I can do anything! DUCK (suddenly very old, toothless, bearded, bespectacled, and walking with a cane): Who the hell are you! Get out of my garage! Are you with DuPont? I will never sell it, hear! It's mine! LITTLE GIRL: Whoa. These pills made you older, too? DUCK: Sweetheart, I take a massive amount of drugs, you'll have to be more specific. (Exterior Whale's beachfront split-level house, where a lady answers the door to Little Girl) LADY: ...Can I help you, fully-grown woman? LITTLE GIRL: I'm looking for Whale. This is Whale's house. LADY: Oh dear. I'm afraid the previous owner of this house died a few years back. They say his blood was mostly circus cheese and Wild Turkey. Some of his stuff is still in the basement, I think. LITTLE GIRL: That's impossible, Whale is my best friend. He would've told me if he was dead. LADY: You're welcome to look around if you like. LITTLE GIRL: So how does this work, I show you my boobs and you let me in the basement? LADY: ...Or we could go down there fully clothed like two normal people. LITTLE GIRL: Right. Sorry. I'm still getting used to these. (A caption at the bottom reads 'To Be Concluded...')

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