Li’l Colon Butler

by on April 26, 2021
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(A severe-looking CEO lady at a desk with a cactus on it and a nameplate reading 'J.P. TANDYBUCK' lights a cigarette while responding to a call on speakerphone) TANDYBUCK: Tandybuck here. Make it fast. REP: Sorry to bother you, Ms. Tandybuck, but I've got a belligerent customer on the line demanding to speak with the CEO. TANDYBUCK: And I'm overjoyed that you've actually decided to put him through! That's sarcasm, genius. I'm running a Fortune 500 pharmaceutical company here, not the morning call-in show with Skip Dipshit and the Ding-Dong Crew. You're fired. REP: I don't really work here, ma'am. I'm a temp. TANDYBUCK: Oh yeah? Then you're hired! REP: Really! TANDYBUCK: Yes! And now you're fired. Put this clown on the line, then get the hell out of my building. (She presses a button on the phone) TANDYBUCK: ...Tandybuck Pharmaceuticals, our people make the difference--how can I help you, sir? WHALE: Yes. Finally. I'm calling about this Li'l Colon Butler thing I bought. TANDYBUCK: Ah, yes, Li'l Colon Butler. Our most popular colon cleansing device. Are the drills and brushes oscillating properly? WHALE: That is not the issue, madam. What concerns me is Li'l Colon Butler's size. TANDYBUCK: Right, it's half the size of original Colon Butler, for those with...discerning rectums. WHALE (on the phone next to a comically large version of Colon Butler): Boy, that's funny...because it looks TWICE as big to me! I can barely fit it in my house, let alone my anus--and I'm a whale! I demand a full refund...yes, that's right, a...now there's no need to get...now, hold it right there...you...I...I am not! I simply...now, look here...well that's...oh yeah? ...Shove it up where? That's exactly what I'm trying to do, lady! ...Hello? (Tandybuck is now snorting coke off her desk while still on speakerphone) WHALE: ...Hello? Tandybuck, I know you're still there, I can hear you doing cocaine...I'll just show myself out.

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