Colon Butler

by on April 7, 2021
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(Whale is on the phone, with an object in front of him on the table that is a series of drill bits surrounding a dancing chimney sweep figurine holding steel brushes. Nearby is an opened box with 'Colon Butler' printed on the side and an illustration of a formal-looking head butler, with packing peanuts and instructions and tools scattered around it) REP: ...Tandybuck Pharmaceuticals, how may I direct your call? WHALE: I'm concerned about this Colon Butler thing I bought. REP: Oh, it's a simple colon cleansing device, sir. And it's virtually painless, don't worry. WHALE: That's not my concern. I'm wondering why it's called a 'butler,' and there is clearly a butler pictured on the box, yet the actual device instead resembles a cockney chimney sweep. REP: That's...THAT'S your concern? WHALE: Yes. Also, how do I turn it on once it is fully inside of my anus and rectum. REP: Colon Butler is activated via the Colon Butler app. Once inserted, you may also adjust the speed and vibration levels of the oscillating drill bits and steel brushes. WHALE: Mm-hmm...and I can toggle between butler and chimney sweep at that point? REP: ...Sir, are you sure you aren't at all concerned about the insertion process? Most of the calls I handle- WHALE: What happens when the butler and chimney sweep disagree? What then? How do I reconcile both identities? I am NOT turning my fudge house into a three-ring Jekyll and Hyde butt circus if I can help it, Ok?...Hello?

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