Posts Tagged: Platypus

97 things.
Jan 24th, 2002

Feb 28th, 2002

Apr 18th, 2002

May 23rd, 2002

Jul 18th, 2002

Aug 22nd, 2002

Sep 5th, 2002

Oct 3rd, 2002

Jan 16th, 2003

Apr 3rd, 2003

Apr 15th, 2003

May 6th, 2003

May 22nd, 2003

Jun 19th, 2003

Jul 3rd, 2003

Jul 17th, 2003

Oct 23rd, 2003

Nov 6th, 2003

Nov 11th, 2003

Dec 18th, 2003

Mar 25th, 2004

Apr 8th, 2004

Apr 22nd, 2004

Jun 3rd, 2004

Jul 15th, 2004

Aug 12th, 2004

Aug 26th, 2004

Oct 7th, 2004

Oct 21st, 2004

Dec 9th, 2004

Jan 13th, 2005

Feb 17th, 2005

Apr 21st, 2005

May 19th, 2005

Jun 30th, 2005

Jul 28th, 2005

Aug 4th, 2005

Aug 11th, 2005

Sep 22nd, 2005

Jan 5th, 2006

Mar 14th, 2006

Apr 6th, 2006

May 11th, 2006

May 25th, 2006

Jun 29th, 2006

Aug 10th, 2006

Sep 28th, 2006

Oct 26th, 2006

Jan 18th, 2007

Mar 8th, 2007

Apr 12th, 2007

Apr 19th, 2007

Jul 26th, 2007

Aug 16th, 2007

Sep 13th, 2007

Jan 3rd, 2008

Feb 7th, 2008

Mar 20th, 2008

Jan 22nd, 2009

Mar 5th, 2009

Apr 23rd, 2009

Jul 9th, 2009

Feb 25th, 2010

Apr 15th, 2010

May 20th, 2010

Jun 10th, 2010

Jul 22nd, 2010

Sep 2nd, 2010

Nov 18th, 2010

Dec 2nd, 2010

Jan 4th, 2011

Feb 3rd, 2011

Mar 3rd, 2011

Nov 8th, 2011

Jan 24th, 2012

Jul 10th, 2012

Jan 11th, 2013

Jan 13th, 2013

Oct 24th, 2013

Oct 25th, 2013

Mar 22nd, 2014

Mar 27th, 2014

May 11th, 2014

May 23rd, 2014

Oct 3rd, 2014

Jan 6th, 2015

Feb 5th, 2015

Mar 10th, 2015

Mar 31st, 2015

Apr 23rd, 2015

Oct 29th, 2015

Nov 1st, 2016

Jan 16th, 2017

Jun 25th, 2020
(Platypus is phoning Whale from the bar Boobers, surrounded by beautiful women and beer) PLATYPUS: Whale! You gotta get down to Boobers, man! It's Virus-Behind-Us Tuesday, and they're sellin' wings for a damn penny! That's Teapot Dome Scandal prices! Sauce is flowing like the filthy Mississippi! The girls are wearing fried pickle pasties! Some asshole put a Phil Spector wig on a living horse and it is our king now! We've burned the laws of man! Come take a ride on the sauce-n-slide, Whale! This place is a three-ring pennychicken circus, I tell you! Get in your car, man, the virus is over! (Whale is sitting in his living room wearing a mask, next to a Boobers blow-up doll and a package of 'dehydrated chicken' and a jar of 'dehydrated beer') WHALE: I will certainly NOT be joining you at Boobers, Platypus. I am perfectly happy dining alone, in the safety of my living room, with my Virtual Boobers Stay-At-Home Paranoia Party Pack, thank you very much. And I ain't leavin' 'til Dr. Fauci himself says the virus is over! PLATYPUS: ...Fauci's HERE, man! And he's licking sauce off of everyone's dirty faces! (Whale and Platypus are in a graveyard, wearing masks, looking at a tombstone with an angel carving that's also wearing a mask, that reads 'Dr. Anthony Fauci 1940-2020 'Sometimes you flatten the curve; sometimes the curve flattens you') WHALE: What did I say! Did I say Boobers was a bad idea?! PLATYPUS: I told that clown not to make out with the horse.
Apr 6th, 2021
(Exterior view of a sperm bank, then Platypus is inside talking to a receptionist) PLATYPUS: I'd like to take out a home loan, please. RECEPTIONIST: This isn't that kind of bank. PLATYPUS: I know exactly what kind of bank it is. It is you, madam, who doesn't know what kind of house I'm trying to buy! RECEPTIONIST: ...What the hell kind of a sick, messed up house does one pay for in human sperm. (Platypus is on a payphone outside a dilapidated cabin with a jukebox next to it and a large lit sign on top that reads 'The Love Shack'. He has a large, full bucket of white stuff in front of him) PLATYPUS: Hello, B-52s? I've got what you asked for. Bring me the deed.
Apr 21st, 2021
(Platypus is getting pulled over on the highway) COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? PLATYPUS (flippantly): Boy, I dunno. Do you know why I pulled YOU over? COP: Oh, no you don't. That won't work on me. I know all the tricks. Seeya in court, kid. PLATYPUS (standing in front of a bemused judge, addressing him flippantly): Boy, I dunno. How'd you like me to hold YOU in contempt? PLATYPUS (standing in front of two angry convicts in a prison yard, shrugging flippantly): Boy, I dunno. Do YOU know what snitches get? PLATYPUS (strapped to an electric chair, replying to the executioner flippantly): ...Boy, I dunno. Do YOU have any last words? PLATYPUS (standing against God's podium in heaven, pointing downward flippantly): ...Boy, I dunno. Are you sure YOU belong here? PLATYPUS (lounging in a boiling pit, replying to Satan flippantly): ...Boy, I dunno. How would YOU like a red-hot poker straight up the keaster? SATAN (throwing up his hands in surrender): I can't take it anymore! The madness! The MAAAADNESS!
Sep 1st, 2022
PLATYPUS (answering Jeopardy questions while casually lighting a cigarette and scoring increasingly more points): ...What are the Swamp Mittens? ...What is the cube root tangent of negative zero squared? ...Who are the Pancake Seven? ...What is the Amsterdam Gummy Bear Panic of 1964. ...What is Dustin Hoffman's aversion to clam chowder? ...Who is Uncle Butt-Toucher. (We now see he is hallucinating the entire thing while standing behind an overturned box as a podium, in an alley full of crime scene tape, bloody chalk murder outlines, and raccoons) PLATYPUS: ...Let's make it a true Daily Double, Alex.