Posts Tagged: Murphy

39 things.
Mar 21st, 2002

Mar 28th, 2002

Apr 11th, 2002

Feb 27th, 2003

Sep 30th, 2003

Mar 4th, 2004

Mar 3rd, 2005

Jun 23rd, 2005

Feb 23rd, 2006

Apr 13th, 2006

Nov 23rd, 2006

May 17th, 2007

Feb 28th, 2008

Apr 3rd, 2008

Jun 11th, 2009

Feb 11th, 2010

Apr 29th, 2010

Jul 8th, 2010

Jul 15th, 2010

Feb 17th, 2011

Jul 24th, 2012

Mar 28th, 2013

Oct 15th, 2013

Mar 20th, 2014

May 16th, 2014

Oct 4th, 2014

Oct 14th, 2014

Dec 25th, 2014

Jan 20th, 2015

Jan 22nd, 2015

Mar 5th, 2015

Apr 14th, 2015

Oct 20th, 2016

Jan 4th, 2017
(MURPHY is holding up a copy of the Long Island Ledger, with the headline 'Trump Names Cabinet' at the top, and a prominent ad saying 'Become A Private Eye' at the bottom) MURPHY: ...and Charlie Sheen as head of the ATF. IFTEDDY: Shut up what's that. MURPHY: This is a newspaper. IFTEDDY: Shut up not this, that! MURPHY: That is an advertisement. Advertisements make newspapers possible. In fact-- IFTEDDY: Become a private eye, eh? ...Yes. Yes. Women. A gun... Yes. (Interior of IFTEDDY'S new private eye office) GORGEOUS ART DECO-ERA FEMALE CLIENT: Are you Buck Fancy, Private Eye? IFTEDDY: That's the name on the door, ain't it, baby? CLIENT: Sex me now, mister! IFTEDDY: I'm only good at two things, tootsie gams. Peelin' grapefruits and firing my gun. And you don't look like a grapefruit to me. Peppers! Applesauce! CLIENT: What?
Jun 30th, 2017

Feb 5th, 2019
MURPHY: Don't you think it's time to issue an official statement regarding your belligerent tantrum at the Suffolk County Blueberry Festival? #Muffingate has already become a trending scandal, congressman. IFTEDDY: Then they shouldn't have run out of blueberries, should they! MURPHY: ...You're saying the temporary pause in your blueberry muffin consumption did not prompt you to freak out and start the most potentially devastating commercial bakery fire in New York's 231-year state history? IFTEDDY: I handled the situation like a professional cucumber cooler is what I did. MURPHY: I wouldn't call throwing old women to the dirty ground as you explode through a flaming doorway screaming 'we're all gonna die' handling a momentary blueberry shortage like a professional anything. IFTEDDY: Please, there's no need to call me a hero. The only rewards I need are the smiles of the children whose grandmothers I used as human shields, and the purses I nabbed while selflessly running from the factory's burning skeleton.
Dec 5th, 2019
(Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is being interviewed by Sean Hannity on Fox News with the caption 'Treas. Secretary To Dump Loads Into Economy') MNUCHIN: The reality, Sean, is simply this--dog shit is money...And should be used as such from now on. (IfTeddy is shown watching this program on TV and gleefully exclaiming) IFTEDDY: Oh BOY!! Dog shit is money, I KNEW it! Now where'm I gonna find a whole buncha-- (Exterior Murphy's house, IfTeddy is speaking to him on the doorstep as Murphy eats a plate of cake) MURPHY: You can have all the shit I make. IFTEDDY: Really?! MURPHY: It's all yours. IFTEDDY: Hey--you're being awful nice to me, considering you're a liberal newspaper reporter and all... MURPHY: Pal, this economy is about to Hindenburg all over the place. And whereas I can always make my own money, you, alas, cannot. It's God's way. Now follow me. (IfTeddy and Murphy are standing on the back patio of Murphy's house, looking at a lawn full of dog shit) IFTEDDY: Wow! Where am I gonna put all this money! MURPHY: How about where your mouth is.
Mar 31st, 2021
(Whale is looking content against a landscape) WHALE: Ahh...This is the only way to travel... (A wider shot reveals Whale immersed in a vat labeled 'GRAVY' on an open train car) WHALE: ...By gravy train! (Suddenly he is uncomfortable and reaches down into the gravy) WHALE: Ow! What the- (He pulls up a plastic baggie with four keys in it) WHALE: I wonder what these go to? Well, I'd better try 'em in the first place I come to with locks! (Whale makes his way through a train car to the exit, passing a child gleefully kicking the back of Murphy's seat while he attempts to type on his commute, as well as a pair of empty suits of armor conversing) ARMOR 1: Sometimes I only feel like a shell of my former self ARMOR 2: I know joust what you mean! (Whale spots a bank of coin lockers in the train station, next to a Daily Gnus stand and a Sin-A-Bun shop) WHALE: Excellent! And narratively convenient! (He tries the key in a series of increasingly bizarre locks until finally it fits one) WHALE: Nope...nope...nope...uhhhh...Aha! Boy, if this nonsense had gone on much longer I'd have had a lot of emotional... (He opens the locker, revealing a valise) WHALE: Baggage? Well, hopefully unlocking this will put an end to this brief... (He unlocks the valise, revealing a portfolio) WHALE: ...Case? Alright, this is getting weird and I'm beginning to fear for my safety... (He unlocks the portfolio, revealing a lockbox) WHALE: ...Deposit box?? So help me, if there is an even smaller locking container inside this one, I'm all out of keys so it'll be a recipe for disas- (He opens the box, revealing two paper items) WHALE: Oh. It's a recipe for pistachio cake, actually. Hey! And a photo of me and my favorite Whaleshavik, Catherine, from 2002! These are some pretty odd things to find quadruple-locked in this remote train station. I wonder who- Holy shit, hang on, 2002?? Why in Krill's name is she still a little girl after nineteen years?? (A nearby alarm sounds with an ominous 'Dun dun DUNNNN!')
Apr 27th, 2021
(A caption at the top reads 'The following comic strip has been created using an artificial intelligence.*' A character resembling Joseph Devens but with teeth and features distorted or in the wrong locations is pointing at a pie chart divided into an impossible number of percentages with a giant blurry 'My Title' written above it and a key whose elements read 'Chonchy, Sleep, Dog Vaping, Writ, Draing, Cocoa Reality Butter, Contemplating Peanut, Dog Racing, Weep, Dog Draining, Chonchy,' and a blank space) JOSEPH: Greetings, Joseph Devens! This is a manga artist's greeting, Benz Death. I'm having fun with my trap and I love all the dogs in the sea. (The next panel has horribly distorted versions of Pig and Murphy speaking to each other. Pig has three eyes, three hooves and a hand, and a logo for 'McDong's' on his chest. Next to him float some upside-down dogs standing on two legs. Murphy's mouth is in his torso, and the word 'Press' is written partially backward on his hat and a lone molar floats near his head) PIG: We're gonna make a little change. Candy terror is real and this is my favorite way to eat candy. MURPHY: We have our own sweet tooth here. PIG: It's not a candy fish, it's your life. A lot of sugar goes a long way. MURPHY: We all want to be your friendly hands on these candy glops. PIG: The Big Candy Fisherman is back with a new album. Candy gloop. It's a perfect way to end your life. (Another caption at the bottom reads '*All of this will be extremely offensive to the sentient computer community in about fifty years. We offer our sincerest apologies.')