Posts Tagged: Little Girl

160 things.
Feb 14th, 2002

Feb 21st, 2002

May 9th, 2002

May 30th, 2002

Aug 15th, 2002

Feb 11th, 2003

Mar 6th, 2003

Mar 20th, 2003

May 15th, 2003

May 27th, 2003

Jul 10th, 2003

Jul 29th, 2003

Aug 7th, 2003

Oct 21st, 2003

Nov 11th, 2003

Dec 11th, 2003

Dec 25th, 2003

Feb 12th, 2004

Feb 19th, 2004

Apr 15th, 2004

Oct 21st, 2004

Dec 2nd, 2004

Dec 23rd, 2004

Jan 20th, 2005

Mar 10th, 2005

Mar 31st, 2005

May 5th, 2005

May 26th, 2005

Jun 16th, 2005

Jul 21st, 2005

Aug 18th, 2005

Sep 1st, 2005

Oct 6th, 2005

Oct 27th, 2005

Nov 3rd, 2005

Jan 19th, 2006

Mar 15th, 2006

Apr 27th, 2006

May 10th, 2006

May 18th, 2006

May 23rd, 2006

Jun 22nd, 2006

Jul 20th, 2006

Jul 27th, 2006

Sep 21st, 2006

Oct 5th, 2006

Nov 16th, 2006

Dec 7th, 2006

Jan 11th, 2007

Mar 29th, 2007

Jun 7th, 2007

Jun 21st, 2007

Jul 5th, 2007

Aug 2nd, 2007

Aug 16th, 2007

Aug 30th, 2007

Jan 17th, 2008

Feb 21st, 2008

Mar 6th, 2008

Apr 10th, 2008

May 1st, 2008

May 29th, 2008

Jan 1st, 2009

Jan 8th, 2009

Feb 5th, 2009

Feb 26th, 2009

Mar 19th, 2009

Apr 2nd, 2009

Apr 23rd, 2009

May 14th, 2009

May 21st, 2009

Jun 18th, 2009

Jul 2nd, 2009

Jul 9th, 2009

Jul 16th, 2009

Aug 27th, 2009

Sep 3rd, 2009

Jan 14th, 2010

Mar 4th, 2010

Mar 18th, 2010

Apr 22nd, 2010

May 6th, 2010

Jun 3rd, 2010

Jul 29th, 2010

Aug 12th, 2010

Aug 19th, 2010

Aug 26th, 2010

Sep 2nd, 2010

Sep 9th, 2010

Oct 7th, 2010

Oct 14th, 2010

Nov 4th, 2010

Nov 11th, 2010

Dec 9th, 2010

Jan 18th, 2011

Jan 25th, 2011

Jan 27th, 2011

Feb 10th, 2011

Mar 1st, 2011

Oct 27th, 2011

Nov 1st, 2011

Jan 31st, 2012

May 3rd, 2012

May 24th, 2012

Jul 5th, 2012

Aug 2nd, 2012

Jan 1st, 2013

Jan 4th, 2013

Jan 10th, 2013

Jan 13th, 2013

Mar 19th, 2013

Apr 2nd, 2013

Aug 20th, 2013

Oct 17th, 2013

Oct 21st, 2013

Oct 31st, 2013

Dec 24th, 2013

Mar 18th, 2014

Mar 22nd, 2014

Mar 25th, 2014

Apr 3rd, 2014

May 19th, 2014

May 21st, 2014

May 26th, 2014

Oct 1st, 2014

Oct 10th, 2014

Dec 24th, 2014

Dec 30th, 2014

Jan 8th, 2015

Feb 12th, 2015

Feb 17th, 2015

Mar 3rd, 2015

Mar 12th, 2015

Mar 24th, 2015

Apr 2nd, 2015

Apr 9th, 2015

Apr 21st, 2015

Aug 16th, 2016

Oct 25th, 2016

Jan 13th, 2017

Jan 25th, 2017

Mar 27th, 2017

Jul 26th, 2017

Jan 25th, 2018

Feb 6th, 2018

Aug 28th, 2018
(Exterior Greenwals, a pharmacy, in mid-summer) WHALE (to LITTLE GIRL): ...Now we're just gettin' my pills this time, ok! I am NOT walking outta here with a fat bag of pure marshmallows for that ravenous sugar drain of yours, so don't even think-- (Interior Greenwals, at a display that says 'Only 11568 shopping days left until Christmas 2049', with items such as pregnant and nursing female and lesbian Santas, a set called 'One-Piece Nativity' with the tagline 'Who needs a man to have a kid!', a snowglobe with 'Baby It's Fun Walking Home In The Cold Undeterred' on the base, a box of 'Rudolph The Red Flow's Peppermint Tampons', some mistletoe personalized for the names Holly, Debra, Emily, and Jane, a wreath with 'Bitch the halls, y'all!' on it, and a beverage case containing Plan B Unfertilizing Nog) WHALE: Motheragod, they got Christmas out already.
Oct 30th, 2018

Aug 29th, 2019
(IfTeddy and Little Girl are at a strip club, Little Girl is blindfolded) IFTEDDY: Hey keep it on, I said! LITTLE GIRL: I know we're at a strip club, congressman. The whole place smells like shrimp daiquiris and industrial stain remover. IFTEDDY: We certainly are NOT at a strip club! This is a very exclusive pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey club for government officials like myself, truck drivers, and Asian businessmen. LITTLE GIRL: Oh boy! Why didn't you say so! Can I have a turn! IFTEDDY: Why, sure! Here is a large pin. The donkey's name is Tapioca. (Exterior of T.A. Jigglesqueezer's Upscale Gentlemen's Money Pit) IFTEDDY (from inside a car, about to pull away): 5...Finishing my drink. 4...Grabbing my coat. 3...Slipping out the back. 2...Starting the car. 1. Leaving quietly before the cops arrive. AND...
Mar 31st, 2021
(Whale is looking content against a landscape) WHALE: Ahh...This is the only way to travel... (A wider shot reveals Whale immersed in a vat labeled 'GRAVY' on an open train car) WHALE: ...By gravy train! (Suddenly he is uncomfortable and reaches down into the gravy) WHALE: Ow! What the- (He pulls up a plastic baggie with four keys in it) WHALE: I wonder what these go to? Well, I'd better try 'em in the first place I come to with locks! (Whale makes his way through a train car to the exit, passing a child gleefully kicking the back of Murphy's seat while he attempts to type on his commute, as well as a pair of empty suits of armor conversing) ARMOR 1: Sometimes I only feel like a shell of my former self ARMOR 2: I know joust what you mean! (Whale spots a bank of coin lockers in the train station, next to a Daily Gnus stand and a Sin-A-Bun shop) WHALE: Excellent! And narratively convenient! (He tries the key in a series of increasingly bizarre locks until finally it fits one) WHALE: Nope...nope...nope...uhhhh...Aha! Boy, if this nonsense had gone on much longer I'd have had a lot of emotional... (He opens the locker, revealing a valise) WHALE: Baggage? Well, hopefully unlocking this will put an end to this brief... (He unlocks the valise, revealing a portfolio) WHALE: ...Case? Alright, this is getting weird and I'm beginning to fear for my safety... (He unlocks the portfolio, revealing a lockbox) WHALE: ...Deposit box?? So help me, if there is an even smaller locking container inside this one, I'm all out of keys so it'll be a recipe for disas- (He opens the box, revealing two paper items) WHALE: Oh. It's a recipe for pistachio cake, actually. Hey! And a photo of me and my favorite Whaleshavik, Catherine, from 2002! These are some pretty odd things to find quadruple-locked in this remote train station. I wonder who- Holy shit, hang on, 2002?? Why in Krill's name is she still a little girl after nineteen years?? (A nearby alarm sounds with an ominous 'Dun dun DUNNNN!')
Apr 2nd, 2021
(Little Girl, clutching a sleeping bag under each arm, excitedly addressing a bemused-looking Whale) LITTLE GIRL: Whale! Take me camping! No phones! No computers! No electronic devices! 48 hours of technology-free transcendentalism! (Whale and Little Girl are now toasting marshmallows around a campfire and zipped into sleeping bags outside a Techmonger superstore in a line with other people, he looking satisfied and she looking annoyed. A sign outside the store proclaims 'Phones! Computers! Electronic Devices! Techmonger Blowout Sale! Begins in 48 hours!')
Apr 8th, 2021
(Exterior of a donut shop called 'Sticky 'Nuts!'. Exterior of an optometrist's office with a sign reading 'Adjust Yer 'Balls?'. Exterior of a fast food restaurant called 'Fried Chicken Boobs'. Exterior of an antique store called 'Grandma's Privates'. Exterior of a store called 'The Butt Hole Smoke Shop', with Little Girl and Whale standing outside looking annoyed at each other) LITTLE GIRL: ...Ok, look. I didn't say anything at the donut shop, your optometrist appointment, the chicken restaurant or the antique shop. But this is where I draw the line.
Apr 9th, 2021
(Little Girl is dressed as a spangly magician and talking to IfTeddy) IFTEDDY: Well, someone's been to the sequin depot!...Or has burgled Liberace's...grave? LITTLE GIRL: You do close-up magic, right? IFTEDDY: Who told you that filthy lie! Are you recording this conversation? LITTLE GIRL: ...No? IFTEDDY: Well then you're double damn right I do close-up! Stage name's David Cop-a-feel. What's your handle? LITTLE GIRL: Catherine The Great! IFTEDDY: Nuh-uh. Gotta change that name. There already was a Catherine The Great, and she was a deluxe badass. A poet with a broadsword, downright refused to produce proper babies, let everybody eat cake for supper. Tits like a racehorse. LITTLE GIRL: If you love her so much, why doncha marry her! IFTEDDY: Because I'm not a melonfarming communist, that's why! LITTLE GIRL: Every vulgar word you've said in the last minute seems grossly inaccurate, but I choose to believe you because you talk like the pirate on the fishsticks commercial they play on Nickelodeon PM.
Apr 13th, 2021
(IfTeddy is visiting Little Girl's second grade class) MS. MCALPINE: Ok class! Let's give a warm Montauk Elementary welcome to New York's first congressional district representative, the dashing and sophisticated Mr. Iftheodorerooseveltwerearabbit! IFTEDDY: Thanks, candy gams. And I'd just like to say that even though I'm required to teach you poetry here today as part of my court-ordered community service sentence for indecent exposure, there's nowhere I'd rather be than as close to your teacher as the cops will allow. Right! First, let's look at a handy tool called assonance! I'm sure you can all hear the repeated vowel sound in this sentence. (He writes 'Paul got fondled by Ronald McDonald.' on the board and the children look quizzically at each other and Little Girl looks impassive) IFTEDDY: Now let's learn how a single comma can change a declarative sentence, which relays information, into an imperative sentence, which gives a command! (He writes 'Grimace spit on me.' and then 'Grimace, spit on me!' on the board. The children look shocked and Little Girl looks annoyed) IFTEDDY: Here's a fun little device called consonance. Can you identify the repeated 'S' sounds in this sentence? Of course! (He writes 'Mayor McCheese must resist selling smack or risk prison.' on the board, and the children look repulsed and Little Girl looks very angry) IFTEDDY: And finally, what poem would be complete without some good ol' fashioned alliteration! (He writes 'The Hamburglar Has Herpes.' on the board and the children start crying and Little Girl continues to look angry) MS. MCALPINE: Congressman, your sexy command of the English language is second only to William Shakespeare himself, and your ability to reduce an entire second grade class to tears of joy in under five minutes makes you worthy of sainthood. IFTEDDY: Your father was abusive and now you are attracted to horrible men. MS. MCALPINE: You're so insightful! Wanna get a burger?
Apr 15th, 2021
(A presentation board with 'Trucks That Look Like Hitler by: Catherine Towne age 7' written on it, with a photo of a truck whose front features vaguely resemble Hitler's) TEACHER: ...I fail to grasp the scientific merit of your science project, Ms. Towne. Also, 'trucks,' plural, implies several, but you've only got one truck that looks like Hitler. LITTLE GIRL: Next you'll be criticizing Einstein for only having one theory of relativity!
Apr 22nd, 2021
IFTEDDY (from behind his congressional desk with his feet up on it, flipping through an issue of a porn magazine called 'Butt Circus' and addressing Little Girl): Are you enjoying Take Your Daughter To Work Day? LITTLE GIRL: Uh, I'm not your daughter, and you're not working. IFTEDDY: Says you! I've got a MOUNTAIN of pornography to catch up on before the next ethics committee meeting...when you're done folding my underwear, you can give them to Alex, Phoebe, and Deb to alphabetize. LITTLE GIRL: Who? (Three angry girls appear) GIRLS: When do we get our free ponies, dude?! IFTEDDY: Ah, yes. The ponies I promised you. Well, the thing about the ponies is...there are no ponies. I lied to you. So you'd clean my office for free. But in my defense, I am a world-class liar and you four are remarkably credulous. But! To make it up to you, I got you some ice cream. It's right over there in that net next to the bent-over sapling!
Apr 23rd, 2021
LITTLE GIRL (holding her dolphin telephone and looking annoyed as she calls over her shoulder): Aright, Mom, jeez! I'm on the telephone, aright? I'll be down in five minutes! Just start supper without me. It's aright with me! (Suddenly Matthew McConaughey appears in her room holding a pan of pot brownies, some of which have been eaten) MATT: ...Hi. I'm Matthew McConaughey. LITTLE GIRL (startled): Aaaah! What the crap! MATT: You said 'aright' three times. Whenever anybody says 'aright' three times, I appear. I'm like Beetlejuice. Except high. LITTLE GIRL: Well, we'd better get you into a disguise quick. If my mom finds a fifty-one-year-old man with a pan of jazz brownies in my room, she'll lose her crackers. (Her mother pokes her head through the door and finds Little Girl holding the pan and eating a brownie, standing next to Matthew McConaughey who is now in a wild west panda costume) MOM: Catherine Bedelia Towne, your supper is getting--what is Matthew McConaughey doing in your bedroom dressed as a wild west panda? LITTLE GIRL: All will be revealed if you eat one of these brownies, mamacita. MOM: Ok, but they had better be CHOCK full of Jamaican Spaceman, because I feel like I'm gonna lose my crackers.
Apr 28th, 2021
(Exterior of the Towne residence) LITTLE GIRL (holding her fingers curled up to her mouth like fangs and confronting her mother, who is reading in a chair next to a table with a landline phone and a picture of a lighthouse on the wall): Mom. Mom! I am a vampire? MOM: that a question? LITTLE GIRL: I just realized I haven't aged a day since 2002! And neither have you! MOM: You're probably not a vampire. Which I feel is something I shouldn't have to say as often as I do around here. LITTLE GIRL: This is serious! Were you stoned the ENTIRE pregnancy? Look at me! I've been seven years old for nineteen years! We still have a landline with a squiggly cord! Are there any gas lamps in this house? Siri, do we own a horse? I just asked our magic A.I. butler if we owned a horse, mom. What the hell year is this anyways! MOM: ...Fine. You're a vampire. (Exterior of Duck's house, which is outfitted with security cameras and large satillite dishes. Little Girl appears silhouetted in the doorway of Duck's garage, which is a vast science lab. He is working on some invention in the foreground in full protective gear) LITTLE GIRL: Hey, mister! DUCK: Are you here with my thin mints? LITTLE GIRL: I'm not a girl scout. DUCK: Yeah, I know. My inquiry still stands. LITTLE GIRL: Look, I need your help. I know you're into science because there is constantly a weird gas coming out of your house. DUCK (angrily): That gas is patent pending! Are you with DuPont? Get out! LITTLE GIRL: I just want to know why I haven't aged since I turned seven. DUCK: ...Interesting, yes. Ok, I will help you age, but only if you keep me in cookies the whole time. LITTLE GIRL: Cool. I was gonna give you one thousand dollars cash in an unmarked envelope, but I can do cookies too.
Apr 29th, 2021
DUCK (placing pills in a bottle with a tweezers): Ok, first rule of Age Repair Club: tell everybody you know I invented Age Repair Club so I can become famous enough to date St. Vincent. LITTLE GIRL: Uh...I got bad news for you. DUCK: Shush! It can wait! Now just swallow nine of these wildly experimental gumball-sized horse pills I invented ten minutes ago. LITTLE GIRL: ...But I got here four minutes ago. DUCK: You've been seven your whole life and you're arguing with me about the logistics of suppressed time displacement? LITTLE GIRL: Why are the pills GLOWING? DUCK: That's just your basic ionizing radia--look, I would never give you anything that would kill you right away, ok? (A caption reads 'Three Minutes Later') LITTLE GIRL (looking down at her fully-developed woman's body): Hot damn! Boobs! Now I can do anything! DUCK (suddenly very old, toothless, bearded, bespectacled, and walking with a cane): Who the hell are you! Get out of my garage! Are you with DuPont? I will never sell it, hear! It's mine! LITTLE GIRL: Whoa. These pills made you older, too? DUCK: Sweetheart, I take a massive amount of drugs, you'll have to be more specific. (Exterior Whale's beachfront split-level house, where a lady answers the door to Little Girl) LADY: ...Can I help you, fully-grown woman? LITTLE GIRL: I'm looking for Whale. This is Whale's house. LADY: Oh dear. I'm afraid the previous owner of this house died a few years back. They say his blood was mostly circus cheese and Wild Turkey. Some of his stuff is still in the basement, I think. LITTLE GIRL: That's impossible, Whale is my best friend. He would've told me if he was dead. LADY: You're welcome to look around if you like. LITTLE GIRL: So how does this work, I show you my boobs and you let me in the basement? LADY: ...Or we could go down there fully clothed like two normal people. LITTLE GIRL: Right. Sorry. I'm still getting used to these. (A caption at the bottom reads 'To Be Concluded...')
Apr 30th, 2021
(Little Girl stands silhouetted in the basement doorway of Whale's old house, looking down at the boxes he left behind at the foot of the stairs, with a clarinet, a bowling ball, and an ashtray scattered around them, and a mouse roaming around on the floor. She finds an envelope with a 'W' seal and the words 'To Catherine on her 26th birthday' written on it. With Whale's clarinet under her arm she opens it, finding a key and a note enclosed, and reads: '...Dear Cat--Don't be sad. I knew this would happen eventually. I saw it in a dream, from which I awoke to the distant sound of a passing train. I climbed aboard and found this key. It opens a memory. The memory opens a wish. The wish reveals a truth. And in that truth, a puzzle whose solution is a secret. And the secret, dear girl, is that a picture is worth a thousand years. Your friend, Whale'. Exterior of the Montauk train station. Little Girl is inside, Whale's clarinet still under her arm, trying the key in one of the lockers. She finds a lockbox inside one of them with a whale symbol on it. She opens it and finds a polaroid of herself and Whale at Sea Fest with 'Me & C 2002' written on the bottom) LITTLE GIRL (looking at the photo sadlly): ...I wish Whale were here. I wish I were a little girl. (Her wish is granted and suddenly Whale is standing with her looking excited and happy to see her, and she is back to being seven years old and overjoyed to see him. A caption at the bottom reads 'The End')
Aug 30th, 2022
(Little Girl is mesmerized from watching a YouTube video of IfTeddy doing ASMR) IFTEDDY: ...And now, I'm just going to softly caress your face with this make-up brush...that's right...feel the gentle bristles on your chin...up to your nose...yes...over your sleepy eyes...ssshhh...just relax and feel the... (startling Little Girl out of her stupor): SPIDERS! Spiders everywhere! Ravenous, bloodthirsty spiders the size of beagle dogs! Sweet mother of mercy, one of them has a knife! Oh, God! AAAHHH! (Next we see Little Girl looking down at a giant, knife-wielding spider on the floor next to her chair who is also watching the video) SPIDER: ...This guy's great.