Posts Tagged: Duck

188 things.
Jan 3rd, 2002
WHALE: Hey, a 'possum. Let's wake it up. DUCK: I think this one's actually dead, man. WHALE: How do you know? DUCK: Because I've been poking it with this stick for five hours. Plus, half of it is still back there in the road.
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Sep 20th, 2018
(DUCK is watching TV) TV: Does your dog refuse to shut the hell up? Carlos Helvetica the Dog Rubberer will rub the noise right out of your dog and replace it with silent obedience. Call today! DUCK: Carlos... Helvetica... Dog Rubberer. Where's my wallet. DUCK (holding out a small dog): Are you Carlos Helvetica, the Dog Rubberer? MAN: That guy went to prison. DUCK: Really? Why? MAN: Rubbin' trouble. DUCK: Well that sure puts me in a pickle... Hey! Could you rub the noise out of my dog and replace it with silent obedience? MAN: My rubbin' days are over, kid. DUCK: Wait a second, you are Carlos Helvetica the Dog Rubberer! I recognize your callused palms from television! MAN: Shut up--do you hear helicopters?
Dec 6th, 2018
(Duck is dressed in robes, wearing an antler-like headpiece with nipples on it, Pig is engrossed in his phone) DUCK: I have returned from the future in the time vehicle of my own design. Remember? The one you bet me five dollars would explode when I turned it on? PIG: I knew you could do it. How was the future. DUCK: It was double-dog miserable, thank you very much! Y'know how they say, 'children are our future'? Well, that ain't poetry, man! The future has nothing but babies and children in it! Babies! As far as the eye can see! And are they ravenous for breastmilk? You bet they are! My government-issued nipple crown is just destroyed, I tell you! PIG: I'm...sorry to hear that, you giant lactating menorah. DUCK: You are not sorry in the least, liar! You love my ragged, dry-as-a-bone nipples! You're practically laughing right in my very face! I can see you biting the inside of your cheek to keep from doing it out loud! You're a rotten friend, you owe me a finski, and you wouldn't last a week on Saturday Night Live! PIG, taking a photo of DUCK with his phone: Yeah, well, you look like Suckle Me Schlomo.
May 16th, 2019
PIG: ...And I'm glad I did. Because when that baby smiled and giggled at me on the bus today, it really reaffirmed the essence of my humanity. One never realizes how much good a child's laughter does one's soul. DUCK: We should go to a slaughterhouse. PIG: Good Christ. DUCK: I've always wanted to visit a working abattoir. And they probably give out free samples after the tour. PIG: Of what. Raw chuck? DUCK: I dunno. Somethin'. BUTCHER (from behind a meat case, with a logo that says 'Bud Abattoir - Since 1895'): Youse want hot fudge on your raw chuck sundae? DUCK (excitedly): Was Upton Sinclair a whiny little muckraking dandy-fop!
Apr 5th, 2021
(Pig excitedly approaches Duck, who is idly licking an ice cream cone) PIG: Are you thinking what I'm thinking! DUCK: Grace Kelly was a slut. PIG: Almost! I should get a raven as a pet! They are smart as a dog, y'know. (A raven screeches at them from a pedestal) RAVEN: Modern Egyptians worship peanut butter! Freemasons control the Westminster Dog Show! Squirrels are money in Canada! Eleanor Roosevelt was Benny Goodman in drag! Telephones lactate when you're not looking! Grace Kelly was a slut! DUCK: I knew it! Grace Kelly WAS a slut! We all heard him say it! PIG (typing on a calculator): ...How in God's name do they make change in Canada.