Posts Tagged: Duck

193 things.
Jan 3rd, 2002
WHALE: Hey, a 'possum. Let's wake it up. DUCK: I think this one's actually dead, man. WHALE: How do you know? DUCK: Because I've been poking it with this stick for five hours. Plus, half of it is still back there in the road.
Jan 24th, 2002

Mar 7th, 2002

May 16th, 2002

Jun 6th, 2002

Jul 18th, 2002

Aug 29th, 2002

Sep 5th, 2002

Sep 12th, 2002

Jan 16th, 2003

Jan 21st, 2003

Mar 13th, 2003

May 1st, 2003

May 8th, 2003

May 27th, 2003

Jun 26th, 2003

Jul 8th, 2003

Jul 24th, 2003

Aug 28th, 2003

Sep 25th, 2003

Nov 6th, 2003

Nov 11th, 2003

Dec 18th, 2003

Jan 1st, 2004

Jan 8th, 2004

Jan 15th, 2004

Feb 12th, 2004

Feb 26th, 2004

Mar 11th, 2004

Apr 22nd, 2004

May 6th, 2004

Jul 1st, 2004

Jul 29th, 2004

Aug 12th, 2004

Aug 19th, 2004

Sep 30th, 2004

Oct 7th, 2004

Oct 28th, 2004

Nov 18th, 2004

Nov 25th, 2004

Jan 6th, 2005

Jan 27th, 2005

Feb 24th, 2005

Mar 24th, 2005

May 12th, 2005

Jun 2nd, 2005

Jun 9th, 2005

Jul 7th, 2005

Jul 14th, 2005

Jul 28th, 2005

Aug 11th, 2005

Sep 1st, 2005

Oct 6th, 2005

Oct 20th, 2005

Nov 24th, 2005

Dec 8th, 2005

Jan 26th, 2006

Feb 2nd, 2006

Mar 2nd, 2006

Mar 30th, 2006

Apr 20th, 2006

May 11th, 2006

May 25th, 2006

Jun 1st, 2006

Jun 15th, 2006

Jul 6th, 2006

Aug 3rd, 2006

Aug 10th, 2006

Aug 24th, 2006

Oct 10th, 2006

Oct 12th, 2006

Oct 26th, 2006

Nov 2nd, 2006

Nov 9th, 2006

Dec 14th, 2006

Dec 19th, 2006

Jan 4th, 2007

Jan 25th, 2007

Feb 1st, 2007

Feb 22nd, 2007

Mar 1st, 2007

Mar 22nd, 2007

Mar 31st, 2007

Apr 26th, 2007

May 3rd, 2007

May 24th, 2007

May 31st, 2007

Jun 28th, 2007

Jul 12th, 2007

Aug 9th, 2007

Aug 16th, 2007

Sep 6th, 2007

Jan 10th, 2008

Jan 31st, 2008

Feb 14th, 2008

Feb 21st, 2008

Mar 13th, 2008

Mar 27th, 2008

May 8th, 2008

Jun 5th, 2008

Jun 12th, 2008

Jun 19th, 2008

Mar 12th, 2009

Apr 9th, 2009

Apr 16th, 2009

Apr 23rd, 2009

May 7th, 2009

May 28th, 2009

Jun 4th, 2009

Jul 16th, 2009

Jul 30th, 2009

Aug 6th, 2009

Aug 20th, 2009

Jan 7th, 2010

Jan 28th, 2010

Feb 4th, 2010

Feb 18th, 2010

Mar 4th, 2010

Mar 11th, 2010

Mar 25th, 2010

Apr 8th, 2010

May 27th, 2010

Jun 10th, 2010

Jun 17th, 2010

Jun 24th, 2010

Jul 1st, 2010

Aug 5th, 2010

Sep 2nd, 2010

Sep 16th, 2010

Sep 23rd, 2010

Sep 30th, 2010

Oct 21st, 2010

Oct 28th, 2010

Dec 16th, 2010

Dec 23rd, 2010

Jan 13th, 2011

Jan 20th, 2011

Feb 1st, 2011

Feb 8th, 2011

Feb 15th, 2011

Feb 24th, 2011

May 26th, 2011

Nov 15th, 2011

Jan 24th, 2012

Feb 2nd, 2012

May 8th, 2012

May 10th, 2012

Jul 19th, 2012

Aug 9th, 2012

Dec 4th, 2012

Jan 9th, 2013

Jan 12th, 2013

Jan 13th, 2013

Jan 14th, 2013

Mar 14th, 2013

Apr 4th, 2013

Sep 12th, 2013

Nov 5th, 2013

Nov 7th, 2013

Mar 22nd, 2014

Apr 3rd, 2014

May 14th, 2014

May 23rd, 2014

Oct 2nd, 2014

Oct 6th, 2014

Oct 9th, 2014

Oct 13th, 2014

Jan 1st, 2015

Jan 13th, 2015

Jan 15th, 2015

Jan 22nd, 2015

Feb 3rd, 2015

Feb 24th, 2015

Mar 26th, 2015

Apr 7th, 2015

Oct 27th, 2015

Jul 26th, 2016

Aug 9th, 2016

Aug 16th, 2016

Jan 11th, 2017

Feb 15th, 2017

Mar 29th, 2017

Aug 4th, 2017

Oct 27th, 2017

Sep 20th, 2018
(DUCK is watching TV) TV: Does your dog refuse to shut the hell up? Carlos Helvetica the Dog Rubberer will rub the noise right out of your dog and replace it with silent obedience. Call today! DUCK: Carlos... Helvetica... Dog Rubberer. Where's my wallet. DUCK (holding out a small dog): Are you Carlos Helvetica, the Dog Rubberer? MAN: That guy went to prison. DUCK: Really? Why? MAN: Rubbin' trouble. DUCK: Well that sure puts me in a pickle... Hey! Could you rub the noise out of my dog and replace it with silent obedience? MAN: My rubbin' days are over, kid. DUCK: Wait a second, you are Carlos Helvetica the Dog Rubberer! I recognize your callused palms from television! MAN: Shut up--do you hear helicopters?
Dec 6th, 2018
(Duck is dressed in robes, wearing an antler-like headpiece with nipples on it, Pig is engrossed in his phone) DUCK: I have returned from the future in the time vehicle of my own design. Remember? The one you bet me five dollars would explode when I turned it on? PIG: I knew you could do it. How was the future. DUCK: It was double-dog miserable, thank you very much! Y'know how they say, 'children are our future'? Well, that ain't poetry, man! The future has nothing but babies and children in it! Babies! As far as the eye can see! And are they ravenous for breastmilk? You bet they are! My government-issued nipple crown is just destroyed, I tell you! PIG: I'm...sorry to hear that, you giant lactating menorah. DUCK: You are not sorry in the least, liar! You love my ragged, dry-as-a-bone nipples! You're practically laughing right in my very face! I can see you biting the inside of your cheek to keep from doing it out loud! You're a rotten friend, you owe me a finski, and you wouldn't last a week on Saturday Night Live! PIG, taking a photo of DUCK with his phone: Yeah, well, you look like Suckle Me Schlomo.
May 16th, 2019
PIG: ...And I'm glad I did. Because when that baby smiled and giggled at me on the bus today, it really reaffirmed the essence of my humanity. One never realizes how much good a child's laughter does one's soul. DUCK: We should go to a slaughterhouse. PIG: Good Christ. DUCK: I've always wanted to visit a working abattoir. And they probably give out free samples after the tour. PIG: Of what. Raw chuck? DUCK: I dunno. Somethin'. BUTCHER (from behind a meat case, with a logo that says 'Bud Abattoir - Since 1895'): Youse want hot fudge on your raw chuck sundae? DUCK (excitedly): Was Upton Sinclair a whiny little muckraking dandy-fop!
Apr 5th, 2021
(Pig excitedly approaches Duck, who is idly licking an ice cream cone) PIG: Are you thinking what I'm thinking! DUCK: Grace Kelly was a slut. PIG: Almost! I should get a raven as a pet! They are smart as a dog, y'know. (A raven screeches at them from a pedestal) RAVEN: Modern Egyptians worship peanut butter! Freemasons control the Westminster Dog Show! Squirrels are money in Canada! Eleanor Roosevelt was Benny Goodman in drag! Telephones lactate when you're not looking! Grace Kelly was a slut! DUCK: I knew it! Grace Kelly WAS a slut! We all heard him say it! PIG (typing on a calculator): ...How in God's name do they make change in Canada.
Apr 12th, 2021
DUCK (speaking to the clerk at a convenience store): One box of sausage skins, if you please. CLERK: Is mean condoms? Is that slang for condoms? DUCK: No, it is not slang for con-doms! If I'd wanted con-doms, I'd've said con-doms! I'm preparing sausage, it needs to be stuffed, so I need plenty of sausage skins, ok? CLERK: Why are you saying 'con-doms'? DUCK: That's how you say it. CLERK: That's how English people say it. DUCK: Look, mate, just gimme somethin' to wrap my meat in, savvy? CLERK: Fine. What kind of sausage skins would you like...mate. DUCK: Banana flavored, please. Ribbed, for her pleasure.
Apr 14th, 2021
(Exterior of a missile silo, then Pig in an electronics store standing by a phone display, being helped by an employee, and answering a phone call from Duck) DUCK: Pig! Thank God you're alive! PIG: Should I not be? DUCK: Perhaps I'm projecting my recent near-death experience onto you. PIG: ...Ashley, I'm sorry. This is going to occupy absolutely the rest of my entire miserable day. The white case is fine. Thank you, Ashley. ...Ok what, Duck. DUCK: I fell down into the missile silo again, and I'm pretty deep down in here so you better come bring some ropes and shovels over here. PIG: ...Ashley, my friend fell into the missile silo. Can I come back tom- DUCK: Where are you? Am I on speaker? PIG: I'm at the Orange store buying a uPhone. DUCK: Really? Well the reception is tip-top, even in the missile silo. PIG: How would my new phone affect YOUR phone's recep-hello? (Exterior of the missile silo, which is now exploding) ASHLEY: Is everything ok, sir? PIG: Ashley, I have to go to Russia or possibly North Korea right now. Thank you, love, you've been more than helpful.
Apr 28th, 2021
(Exterior of the Towne residence) LITTLE GIRL (holding her fingers curled up to her mouth like fangs and confronting her mother, who is reading in a chair next to a table with a landline phone and a picture of a lighthouse on the wall): Mom. Mom! I am a vampire? MOM: that a question? LITTLE GIRL: I just realized I haven't aged a day since 2002! And neither have you! MOM: You're probably not a vampire. Which I feel is something I shouldn't have to say as often as I do around here. LITTLE GIRL: This is serious! Were you stoned the ENTIRE pregnancy? Look at me! I've been seven years old for nineteen years! We still have a landline with a squiggly cord! Are there any gas lamps in this house? Siri, do we own a horse? I just asked our magic A.I. butler if we owned a horse, mom. What the hell year is this anyways! MOM: ...Fine. You're a vampire. (Exterior of Duck's house, which is outfitted with security cameras and large satillite dishes. Little Girl appears silhouetted in the doorway of Duck's garage, which is a vast science lab. He is working on some invention in the foreground in full protective gear) LITTLE GIRL: Hey, mister! DUCK: Are you here with my thin mints? LITTLE GIRL: I'm not a girl scout. DUCK: Yeah, I know. My inquiry still stands. LITTLE GIRL: Look, I need your help. I know you're into science because there is constantly a weird gas coming out of your house. DUCK (angrily): That gas is patent pending! Are you with DuPont? Get out! LITTLE GIRL: I just want to know why I haven't aged since I turned seven. DUCK: ...Interesting, yes. Ok, I will help you age, but only if you keep me in cookies the whole time. LITTLE GIRL: Cool. I was gonna give you one thousand dollars cash in an unmarked envelope, but I can do cookies too.
Apr 29th, 2021
DUCK (placing pills in a bottle with a tweezers): Ok, first rule of Age Repair Club: tell everybody you know I invented Age Repair Club so I can become famous enough to date St. Vincent. LITTLE GIRL: Uh...I got bad news for you. DUCK: Shush! It can wait! Now just swallow nine of these wildly experimental gumball-sized horse pills I invented ten minutes ago. LITTLE GIRL: ...But I got here four minutes ago. DUCK: You've been seven your whole life and you're arguing with me about the logistics of suppressed time displacement? LITTLE GIRL: Why are the pills GLOWING? DUCK: That's just your basic ionizing radia--look, I would never give you anything that would kill you right away, ok? (A caption reads 'Three Minutes Later') LITTLE GIRL (looking down at her fully-developed woman's body): Hot damn! Boobs! Now I can do anything! DUCK (suddenly very old, toothless, bearded, bespectacled, and walking with a cane): Who the hell are you! Get out of my garage! Are you with DuPont? I will never sell it, hear! It's mine! LITTLE GIRL: Whoa. These pills made you older, too? DUCK: Sweetheart, I take a massive amount of drugs, you'll have to be more specific. (Exterior Whale's beachfront split-level house, where a lady answers the door to Little Girl) LADY: ...Can I help you, fully-grown woman? LITTLE GIRL: I'm looking for Whale. This is Whale's house. LADY: Oh dear. I'm afraid the previous owner of this house died a few years back. They say his blood was mostly circus cheese and Wild Turkey. Some of his stuff is still in the basement, I think. LITTLE GIRL: That's impossible, Whale is my best friend. He would've told me if he was dead. LADY: You're welcome to look around if you like. LITTLE GIRL: So how does this work, I show you my boobs and you let me in the basement? LADY: ...Or we could go down there fully clothed like two normal people. LITTLE GIRL: Right. Sorry. I'm still getting used to these. (A caption at the bottom reads 'To Be Concluded...')
Sep 8th, 2022
DUCK (excitedly presenting some fish on a platter to Pig): You want some sushi? PIG: A whole, filthy seabass served on a garbage can lid is not sushi. DUCK: Yeah? Says who. PIG: Anthony Bourdain's ghost, as a matter of fact. DUCK: Anthony Bourdain's ghost? How come I can't see him? PIG: ...Bourdain's ghost says he'll appear for you, but only if you eat that entire rotten fish in front of him. DUCK: Are you kidding? I love sushi! DUCK (looking ill after having consumed the fish): ...Feeling...not great...but worth meet...Bourdain's ghost... PIG: Duck, there's no such thing as ghosts. Your stupidity, however, is horrifically tangible. DUCK: ...I think the seabass was pregnant. PIG: Wow, sushi AND caviar. Will you be having champagne with your meal, Mr. Rockafeller? ANTHONY BOURDAIN'S GHOST (suddenly appearing as Duck and Pig look on in amazement): ...I ate a live duckling in Sri Lanka.