Thirteen
22 things.
Apr 1st, 2021
(Whale is on the phone, standing next to an open door with a large, full bucket of poutine balanced on top of the door) WHALE: Duck. Come over to my house and walk through the front door. It's important. DUCK: Is there a large bucket of pure French-Canadian poutine balanced on the top of the door waiting to dump all over me the moment I walk in? WHALE: ...No. DUCK: Whale... WHALE: Ok, how did you know. DUCK: A new app I invented--YouPou! YouPou alerts me to the existence of large buckets of pure French-Canadian poutine anywhere within a five-mile radius of my location. WHALE: That is absolutely the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I'm goin' outside for a smoke. (The bucket falls on forgetful Whale as he attempts to exit, and now three dogs are all over him, eating the spilled poutine) DUCK: Tragic news, Whale. YouPou has notified me that a large poutine bucket has been spilt in vain. The PouPup Dog Squad should be arriving shortly to assess and manage the detritus. WHALE: They're here.
Apr 2nd, 2021
(Little Girl, clutching a sleeping bag under each arm, excitedly addressing a bemused-looking Whale) LITTLE GIRL: Whale! Take me camping! No phones! No computers! No electronic devices! 48 hours of technology-free transcendentalism! (Whale and Little Girl are now toasting marshmallows around a campfire and zipped into sleeping bags outside a Techmonger superstore in a line with other people, he looking satisfied and she looking annoyed. A sign outside the store proclaims 'Phones! Computers! Electronic Devices! Techmonger Blowout Sale! Begins in 48 hours!')
Apr 5th, 2021
(Pig excitedly approaches Duck, who is idly licking an ice cream cone) PIG: Are you thinking what I'm thinking! DUCK: Grace Kelly was a slut. PIG: Almost! I should get a raven as a pet! They are smart as a dog, y'know. (A raven screeches at them from a pedestal) RAVEN: Modern Egyptians worship peanut butter! Freemasons control the Westminster Dog Show! Squirrels are money in Canada! Eleanor Roosevelt was Benny Goodman in drag! Telephones lactate when you're not looking! Grace Kelly was a slut! DUCK: I knew it! Grace Kelly WAS a slut! We all heard him say it! PIG (typing on a calculator): ...How in God's name do they make change in Canada.
Apr 6th, 2021
(Exterior view of a sperm bank, then Platypus is inside talking to a receptionist) PLATYPUS: I'd like to take out a home loan, please. RECEPTIONIST: This isn't that kind of bank. PLATYPUS: I know exactly what kind of bank it is. It is you, madam, who doesn't know what kind of house I'm trying to buy! RECEPTIONIST: ...What the hell kind of a sick, messed up house does one pay for in human sperm. (Platypus is on a payphone outside a dilapidated cabin with a jukebox next to it and a large lit sign on top that reads 'The Love Shack'. He has a large, full bucket of white stuff in front of him) PLATYPUS: Hello, B-52s? I've got what you asked for. Bring me the deed.
Apr 7th, 2021
(Whale is on the phone, with an object in front of him on the table that is a series of drill bits surrounding a dancing chimney sweep figurine holding steel brushes. Nearby is an opened box with 'Colon Butler' printed on the side and an illustration of a formal-looking head butler, with packing peanuts and instructions and tools scattered around it) REP: ...Tandybuck Pharmaceuticals, how may I direct your call? WHALE: I'm concerned about this Colon Butler thing I bought. REP: Oh, it's a simple colon cleansing device, sir. And it's virtually painless, don't worry. WHALE: That's not my concern. I'm wondering why it's called a 'butler,' and there is clearly a butler pictured on the box, yet the actual device instead resembles a cockney chimney sweep. REP: That's...THAT'S your concern? WHALE: Yes. Also, how do I turn it on once it is fully inside of my anus and rectum. REP: Colon Butler is activated via the Colon Butler app. Once inserted, you may also adjust the speed and vibration levels of the oscillating drill bits and steel brushes. WHALE: Mm-hmm...and I can toggle between butler and chimney sweep at that point? REP: ...Sir, are you sure you aren't at all concerned about the insertion process? Most of the calls I handle- WHALE: What happens when the butler and chimney sweep disagree? What then? How do I reconcile both identities? I am NOT turning my fudge house into a three-ring Jekyll and Hyde butt circus if I can help it, Ok?...Hello?
Apr 8th, 2021
(Exterior of a donut shop called 'Sticky 'Nuts!'. Exterior of an optometrist's office with a sign reading 'Adjust Yer 'Balls?'. Exterior of a fast food restaurant called 'Fried Chicken Boobs'. Exterior of an antique store called 'Grandma's Privates'. Exterior of a store called 'The Butt Hole Smoke Shop', with Little Girl and Whale standing outside looking annoyed at each other) LITTLE GIRL: ...Ok, look. I didn't say anything at the donut shop, your optometrist appointment, the chicken restaurant or the antique shop. But this is where I draw the line.
Apr 9th, 2021
(Little Girl is dressed as a spangly magician and talking to IfTeddy) IFTEDDY: Well, someone's been to the sequin depot!...Or has burgled Liberace's...grave? LITTLE GIRL: You do close-up magic, right? IFTEDDY: Who told you that filthy lie! Are you recording this conversation? LITTLE GIRL: ...No? IFTEDDY: Well then you're double damn right I do close-up! Stage name's David Cop-a-feel. What's your handle? LITTLE GIRL: Catherine The Great! IFTEDDY: Nuh-uh. Gotta change that name. There already was a Catherine The Great, and she was a deluxe badass. A poet with a broadsword, downright refused to produce proper babies, let everybody eat cake for supper. Tits like a racehorse. LITTLE GIRL: If you love her so much, why doncha marry her! IFTEDDY: Because I'm not a melonfarming communist, that's why! LITTLE GIRL: Every vulgar word you've said in the last minute seems grossly inaccurate, but I choose to believe you because you talk like the pirate on the fishsticks commercial they play on Nickelodeon PM.
Apr 12th, 2021
DUCK (speaking to the clerk at a convenience store): One box of sausage skins, if you please. CLERK: Is that...you mean condoms? Is that slang for condoms? DUCK: No, it is not slang for con-doms! If I'd wanted con-doms, I'd've said con-doms! I'm preparing sausage, it needs to be stuffed, so I need plenty of sausage skins, ok? CLERK: Why are you saying 'con-doms'? DUCK: That's how you say it. CLERK: That's how English people say it. DUCK: Look, mate, just gimme somethin' to wrap my meat in, savvy? CLERK: Fine. What kind of sausage skins would you like...mate. DUCK: Banana flavored, please. Ribbed, for her pleasure.
Apr 13th, 2021
(IfTeddy is visiting Little Girl's second grade class) MS. MCALPINE: Ok class! Let's give a warm Montauk Elementary welcome to New York's first congressional district representative, the dashing and sophisticated Mr. Iftheodorerooseveltwerearabbit! IFTEDDY: Thanks, candy gams. And I'd just like to say that even though I'm required to teach you poetry here today as part of my court-ordered community service sentence for indecent exposure, there's nowhere I'd rather be than as close to your teacher as the cops will allow. Right! First, let's look at a handy tool called assonance! I'm sure you can all hear the repeated vowel sound in this sentence. (He writes 'Paul got fondled by Ronald McDonald.' on the board and the children look quizzically at each other and Little Girl looks impassive) IFTEDDY: Now let's learn how a single comma can change a declarative sentence, which relays information, into an imperative sentence, which gives a command! (He writes 'Grimace spit on me.' and then 'Grimace, spit on me!' on the board. The children look shocked and Little Girl looks annoyed) IFTEDDY: Here's a fun little device called consonance. Can you identify the repeated 'S' sounds in this sentence? Of course! (He writes 'Mayor McCheese must resist selling smack or risk prison.' on the board, and the children look repulsed and Little Girl looks very angry) IFTEDDY: And finally, what poem would be complete without some good ol' fashioned alliteration! (He writes 'The Hamburglar Has Herpes.' on the board and the children start crying and Little Girl continues to look angry) MS. MCALPINE: Congressman, your sexy command of the English language is second only to William Shakespeare himself, and your ability to reduce an entire second grade class to tears of joy in under five minutes makes you worthy of sainthood. IFTEDDY: Your father was abusive and now you are attracted to horrible men. MS. MCALPINE: You're so insightful! Wanna get a burger?
Apr 14th, 2021
(Exterior of a missile silo, then Pig in an electronics store standing by a phone display, being helped by an employee, and answering a phone call from Duck) DUCK: Pig! Thank God you're alive! PIG: Should I not be? DUCK: Perhaps I'm projecting my recent near-death experience onto you. PIG: ...Ashley, I'm sorry. This is going to occupy absolutely the rest of my entire miserable day. The white case is fine. Thank you, Ashley. ...Ok what, Duck. DUCK: I fell down into the missile silo again, and I'm pretty deep down in here so you better come bring some ropes and shovels over here. PIG: ...Ashley, my friend fell into the missile silo. Can I come back tom- DUCK: Where are you? Am I on speaker? PIG: I'm at the Orange store buying a uPhone. DUCK: Really? Well the reception is tip-top, even in the missile silo. PIG: How would my new phone affect YOUR phone's recep-hello? (Exterior of the missile silo, which is now exploding) ASHLEY: Is everything ok, sir? PIG: Ashley, I have to go to Russia or possibly North Korea right now. Thank you, love, you've been more than helpful.
Apr 15th, 2021
(A presentation board with 'Trucks That Look Like Hitler by: Catherine Towne age 7' written on it, with a photo of a truck whose front features vaguely resemble Hitler's) TEACHER: ...I fail to grasp the scientific merit of your science project, Ms. Towne. Also, 'trucks,' plural, implies several, but you've only got one truck that looks like Hitler. LITTLE GIRL: Next you'll be criticizing Einstein for only having one theory of relativity!
Apr 16th, 2021
(Whale is at the grocery store pushing a cart and holding up a bunch of bananas as he addreses an employee) WHALE: Yes--how much are these bananas? EMPLOYEE: Yes! We have no bananas. WHALE: No. I am SHOWING you the bananas. These bananas, yes? EMPLOYEE: No! We have some bananas. WHALE: Yes? Some? EMPLOYEE: No. No some. WHALE: No? EMPLOYEE: Yes. No bananas. Today! (Another employee appears, identical to the first but wearing a different apron print) WHALE: ...Hey, why is her apron different from yours? EMPLOYEE: One of us is the holographic manifestation of a computer program designed to torture confessions out of suspected terrorists, and the other works here. WHALE: And you are?.. EMPLOYEE: Oh ho-ho no you don't mister! I'll be asking the answers today, thank you. WHALE: You're welcome? EMPLOYEE: Is that a ques--ERR-OR! ERR-OR! OCTUPLE NEGATIVE! ERR-OR!
Apr 19th, 2021
(Montanaface is dining at a restaurant called Chicken Cult, and a server approaches him) SERVER: Hi! Thanks for visiting our family restaurant! The chicken is good and right. I'm Kaitlyn! Can I get you anything? Some sauce, maybe? MONTANAFACE: I'm fine, thanks. SERVER: My pleasure! The chicken is good and right...Say, how'd you like to do something worthwhile with your life? MONTANAFACE: I've already got a menial, low-paying job, thanks. SERVER: Ha-ha, my pleasure! But I'm talking about the ultimate commitment, sir. See, when the Chicken Lord returns from his celestial throne amid the Lambda Centauri Nebula to harvest the righteous during The Chickening, we will all be escorted into his Chickenly Pleasure Sphere on wings of pure sauce to the Altar of the Divine Chicken Spectre, whose ancient knowledge is as deep and vast as the very River of Sauce itself and whose painless eternal embrace will usher in a golden age of endless love for everyone! 'Cept queers, of course. The chicken is good and right! Now. How 'bout some sauce for that sandwich. You won't even taste the secret ingredient...it's cyanide! MONTANAFACE: ...I'll think about it...Meantime, you seem like a 'low standards' kinda gal, what's say we head back to my place. SERVER: I'm saving myself for the Chicken Lord, thank you. MONTANAFACE: Why is every girl I meet 'saving herself for the Chicken Lord'? Am I that revolting? Couldn't we just talk a little before you decide? I really am a great guy. C'mon, Kaitlyn. Whatd'ya say. (She sits opposite him, and becomes reflexively fixed in a pose of utter revulsion as he looks on, bemused)
Apr 20th, 2021
(Whale is driving through the countryside in his vintage convertible and comes to a flooded bridge with a 'high water xing' sign. Next he comes to a bend in the road in a forest with a 'high deer xing' sign and some stoned deer wandering around on the road, smoking joints and bongs and one with its head in a bag of cheese puffs) WHALE: Get a job, you stupid high deer! DEER: This IS our job, man.
Apr 21st, 2021
(Platypus is getting pulled over on the highway) COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? PLATYPUS (flippantly): Boy, I dunno. Do you know why I pulled YOU over? COP: Oh, no you don't. That won't work on me. I know all the tricks. Seeya in court, kid. PLATYPUS (standing in front of a bemused judge, addressing him flippantly): Boy, I dunno. How'd you like me to hold YOU in contempt? PLATYPUS (standing in front of two angry convicts in a prison yard, shrugging flippantly): Boy, I dunno. Do YOU know what snitches get? PLATYPUS (strapped to an electric chair, replying to the executioner flippantly): ...Boy, I dunno. Do YOU have any last words? PLATYPUS (standing against God's podium in heaven, pointing downward flippantly): ...Boy, I dunno. Are you sure YOU belong here? PLATYPUS (lounging in a boiling pit, replying to Satan flippantly): ...Boy, I dunno. How would YOU like a red-hot poker straight up the keaster? SATAN (throwing up his hands in surrender): I can't take it anymore! The madness! The MAAAADNESS!
Apr 22nd, 2021
IFTEDDY (from behind his congressional desk with his feet up on it, flipping through an issue of a porn magazine called 'Butt Circus' and addressing Little Girl): Are you enjoying Take Your Daughter To Work Day? LITTLE GIRL: Uh, I'm not your daughter, and you're not working. IFTEDDY: Says you! I've got a MOUNTAIN of pornography to catch up on before the next ethics committee meeting...when you're done folding my underwear, you can give them to Alex, Phoebe, and Deb to alphabetize. LITTLE GIRL: Who? (Three angry girls appear) GIRLS: When do we get our free ponies, dude?! IFTEDDY: Ah, yes. The ponies I promised you. Well, the thing about the ponies is...there are no ponies. I lied to you. So you'd clean my office for free. But in my defense, I am a world-class liar and you four are remarkably credulous. But! To make it up to you, I got you some ice cream. It's right over there in that net next to the bent-over sapling!
Apr 23rd, 2021
LITTLE GIRL (holding her dolphin telephone and looking annoyed as she calls over her shoulder): Aright, Mom, jeez! I'm on the telephone, aright? I'll be down in five minutes! Just start supper without me. It's aright with me! (Suddenly Matthew McConaughey appears in her room holding a pan of pot brownies, some of which have been eaten) MATT: ...Hi. I'm Matthew McConaughey. LITTLE GIRL (startled): Aaaah! What the crap! MATT: You said 'aright' three times. Whenever anybody says 'aright' three times, I appear. I'm like Beetlejuice. Except high. LITTLE GIRL: Well, we'd better get you into a disguise quick. If my mom finds a fifty-one-year-old man with a pan of jazz brownies in my room, she'll lose her crackers. (Her mother pokes her head through the door and finds Little Girl holding the pan and eating a brownie, standing next to Matthew McConaughey who is now in a wild west panda costume) MOM: Catherine Bedelia Towne, your supper is getting--what is Matthew McConaughey doing in your bedroom dressed as a wild west panda? LITTLE GIRL: All will be revealed if you eat one of these brownies, mamacita. MOM: Ok, but they had better be CHOCK full of Jamaican Spaceman, because I feel like I'm gonna lose my crackers.
Apr 26th, 2021
(A severe-looking CEO lady at a desk with a cactus on it and a nameplate reading 'J.P. TANDYBUCK' lights a cigarette while responding to a call on speakerphone) TANDYBUCK: Tandybuck here. Make it fast. REP: Sorry to bother you, Ms. Tandybuck, but I've got a belligerent customer on the line demanding to speak with the CEO. TANDYBUCK: And I'm overjoyed that you've actually decided to put him through! That's sarcasm, genius. I'm running a Fortune 500 pharmaceutical company here, not the morning call-in show with Skip Dipshit and the Ding-Dong Crew. You're fired. REP: I don't really work here, ma'am. I'm a temp. TANDYBUCK: Oh yeah? Then you're hired! REP: Really! TANDYBUCK: Yes! And now you're fired. Put this clown on the line, then get the hell out of my building. (She presses a button on the phone) TANDYBUCK: ...Tandybuck Pharmaceuticals, our people make the difference--how can I help you, sir? WHALE: Yes. Finally. I'm calling about this Li'l Colon Butler thing I bought. TANDYBUCK: Ah, yes, Li'l Colon Butler. Our most popular colon cleansing device. Are the drills and brushes oscillating properly? WHALE: That is not the issue, madam. What concerns me is Li'l Colon Butler's size. TANDYBUCK: Right, it's half the size of original Colon Butler, for those with...discerning rectums. WHALE (on the phone next to a comically large version of Colon Butler): Boy, that's funny...because it looks TWICE as big to me! I can barely fit it in my house, let alone my anus--and I'm a whale! I demand a full refund...yes, that's right, a...now there's no need to get...now, hold it right there...you...I...I am not! I simply...now, look here...well that's...oh yeah? ...Shove it up where? That's exactly what I'm trying to do, lady! ...Hello? (Tandybuck is now snorting coke off her desk while still on speakerphone) WHALE: ...Hello? Tandybuck, I know you're still there, I can hear you doing cocaine...I'll just show myself out.
Apr 27th, 2021
(A caption at the top reads 'The following comic strip has been created using an artificial intelligence.*' A character resembling Joseph Devens but with teeth and features distorted or in the wrong locations is pointing at a pie chart divided into an impossible number of percentages with a giant blurry 'My Title' written above it and a key whose elements read 'Chonchy, Sleep, Dog Vaping, Writ, Draing, Cocoa Reality Butter, Contemplating Peanut, Dog Racing, Weep, Dog Draining, Chonchy,' and a blank space) JOSEPH: Greetings, Joseph Devens! This is a manga artist's greeting, Benz Death. I'm having fun with my trap and I love all the dogs in the sea. (The next panel has horribly distorted versions of Pig and Murphy speaking to each other. Pig has three eyes, three hooves and a hand, and a logo for 'McDong's' on his chest. Next to him float some upside-down dogs standing on two legs. Murphy's mouth is in his torso, and the word 'Press' is written partially backward on his hat and a lone molar floats near his head) PIG: We're gonna make a little change. Candy terror is real and this is my favorite way to eat candy. MURPHY: We have our own sweet tooth here. PIG: It's not a candy fish, it's your life. A lot of sugar goes a long way. MURPHY: We all want to be your friendly hands on these candy glops. PIG: The Big Candy Fisherman is back with a new album. Candy gloop. It's a perfect way to end your life. (Another caption at the bottom reads '*All of this will be extremely offensive to the sentient computer community in about fifty years. We offer our sincerest apologies.')
Apr 28th, 2021
(Exterior of the Towne residence) LITTLE GIRL (holding her fingers curled up to her mouth like fangs and confronting her mother, who is reading in a chair next to a table with a landline phone and a picture of a lighthouse on the wall): Mom. Mom! I am a vampire? MOM: You...is that a question? LITTLE GIRL: I just realized I haven't aged a day since 2002! And neither have you! MOM: You're probably not a vampire. Which I feel is something I shouldn't have to say as often as I do around here. LITTLE GIRL: This is serious! Were you stoned the ENTIRE pregnancy? Look at me! I've been seven years old for nineteen years! We still have a landline with a squiggly cord! Are there any gas lamps in this house? Siri, do we own a horse? I just asked our magic A.I. butler if we owned a horse, mom. What the hell year is this anyways! MOM: ...Fine. You're a vampire. (Exterior of Duck's house, which is outfitted with security cameras and large satillite dishes. Little Girl appears silhouetted in the doorway of Duck's garage, which is a vast science lab. He is working on some invention in the foreground in full protective gear) LITTLE GIRL: Hey, mister! DUCK: Are you here with my thin mints? LITTLE GIRL: I'm not a girl scout. DUCK: Yeah, I know. My inquiry still stands. LITTLE GIRL: Look, I need your help. I know you're into science because there is constantly a weird gas coming out of your house. DUCK (angrily): That gas is patent pending! Are you with DuPont? Get out! LITTLE GIRL: I just want to know why I haven't aged since I turned seven. DUCK: ...Interesting, yes. Ok, I will help you age, but only if you keep me in cookies the whole time. LITTLE GIRL: Cool. I was gonna give you one thousand dollars cash in an unmarked envelope, but I can do cookies too.
Apr 29th, 2021
DUCK (placing pills in a bottle with a tweezers): Ok, first rule of Age Repair Club: tell everybody you know I invented Age Repair Club so I can become famous enough to date St. Vincent. LITTLE GIRL: Uh...I got bad news for you. DUCK: Shush! It can wait! Now just swallow nine of these wildly experimental gumball-sized horse pills I invented ten minutes ago. LITTLE GIRL: ...But I got here four minutes ago. DUCK: You've been seven your whole life and you're arguing with me about the logistics of suppressed time displacement? LITTLE GIRL: Why are the pills GLOWING? DUCK: That's just your basic ionizing radia--look, I would never give you anything that would kill you right away, ok? (A caption reads 'Three Minutes Later') LITTLE GIRL (looking down at her fully-developed woman's body): Hot damn! Boobs! Now I can do anything! DUCK (suddenly very old, toothless, bearded, bespectacled, and walking with a cane): Who the hell are you! Get out of my garage! Are you with DuPont? I will never sell it, hear! It's mine! LITTLE GIRL: Whoa. These pills made you older, too? DUCK: Sweetheart, I take a massive amount of drugs, you'll have to be more specific. (Exterior Whale's beachfront split-level house, where a lady answers the door to Little Girl) LADY: ...Can I help you, fully-grown woman? LITTLE GIRL: I'm looking for Whale. This is Whale's house. LADY: Oh dear. I'm afraid the previous owner of this house died a few years back. They say his blood was mostly circus cheese and Wild Turkey. Some of his stuff is still in the basement, I think. LITTLE GIRL: That's impossible, Whale is my best friend. He would've told me if he was dead. LADY: You're welcome to look around if you like. LITTLE GIRL: So how does this work, I show you my boobs and you let me in the basement? LADY: ...Or we could go down there fully clothed like two normal people. LITTLE GIRL: Right. Sorry. I'm still getting used to these. (A caption at the bottom reads 'To Be Concluded...')
Apr 30th, 2021
(Little Girl stands silhouetted in the basement doorway of Whale's old house, looking down at the boxes he left behind at the foot of the stairs, with a clarinet, a bowling ball, and an ashtray scattered around them, and a mouse roaming around on the floor. She finds an envelope with a 'W' seal and the words 'To Catherine on her 26th birthday' written on it. With Whale's clarinet under her arm she opens it, finding a key and a note enclosed, and reads: '...Dear Cat--Don't be sad. I knew this would happen eventually. I saw it in a dream, from which I awoke to the distant sound of a passing train. I climbed aboard and found this key. It opens a memory. The memory opens a wish. The wish reveals a truth. And in that truth, a puzzle whose solution is a secret. And the secret, dear girl, is that a picture is worth a thousand years. Your friend, Whale'. Exterior of the Montauk train station. Little Girl is inside, Whale's clarinet still under her arm, trying the key in one of the lockers. She finds a lockbox inside one of them with a whale symbol on it. She opens it and finds a polaroid of herself and Whale at Sea Fest with 'Me & C 2002' written on the bottom) LITTLE GIRL (looking at the photo sadlly): ...I wish Whale were here. I wish I were a little girl. (Her wish is granted and suddenly Whale is standing with her looking excited and happy to see her, and she is back to being seven years old and overjoyed to see him. A caption at the bottom reads 'The End')