Dr. Idiot, what is Stranger Things?

Dunno. Some kinda online synthesizer cult. But if I am allowed one wildly speculative, completely ill-informed blind guess based on a commercial with a talking fortune cookie I saw, I would say Stranger Things is some kind of dream logic internet psycho-drama where the guy goes to the mall and all the stores are abandoned and boarded-up except Williams-Sonoma, so the guy goes in there and says to the lady, “May I please have a four-thousand-dollar frying pan?” And then the lady, who may or may not be Bryce Dallas Howard in the ass part of a pantomime horse, whispers, “But sir, you are holding one right now!” And then the guy looks down and in his hands there is a broken Jack-in-the-box with some green fog coming out of it. And then Kevin Spacey smokes half a cigarette. The end.

Dr. Idiot, when was Abraham Lincoln voted president?

Abraham Lincoln was voted president in 18-something. The more interesting thing is that Abraham Lincoln’s birth certificate was never produced after thousands of angry southerners, who called themselves “birthers,” demanded that he prove his citizenship. But everyone now knows that Lincoln was born in Hawaii, which was not a state until 1959, making him ineligible for the presidency that he held anyway. Even more interesting is that there were and still are thousands of people, who call themselves “deathers,” that claim Lincoln never died because no one can produce an authentic death certificate, and that a 205-year-old Lincoln still wanders the halls of the White House, eating chocolate and complaining that Facebook has too many ads.

Dr. Idiot, what does a military lawyer do?

I’ll tell you what they don’t do: handle the truth. They also don’t take on clients who allegedly “break into the underground nuclear facility beneath Flagstaff, Arizona and steal 40 lbs. of weapons-grade yellowcake uranium for the purposes of making a uranium-based dietary supplement marketed to the morbidly obese under the name Dr. Idiot’s Yummy Fat Burning Yellow Cake Dessert Bars.”

Dr. Idiot, what is the furthest distance a space exploration vehicle launched on earth ever traveled away from earth?

On July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 was launched from Kennedy Space Center in Merritt Island, Florida. The Saturn V rocket took Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin westward at an altitude of 35,000 feet some 2,500 miles to Hollywood, California, where the crew of the mission entered a top secret movie studio across the street from the studio where the 1970 film Beneath the Planet of the Apes was already in production. Armstrong, Aldrin, and a film crew of 12 then began filming what America would later view as the “moon landing.” Production went smoothly until it was demanded of Armstrong by the film’s director, Stanley Kubric, that he cry as he exited the Command Module, which he could not. Kubric then loaded Armstrong, the film crew, and 2 of the apes onto a spacecraft he called “Daisy” and launched into space with the purpose of allowing Armstrong to walk on the actual moon to gain the motivation needed to produce tears. Having done this, the crew of the Daisy returned to California, and Armstrong was able to convincingly weep upon exiting the pretend Command Module. And that is why two apes can be seen in the background of the moon landing.

Dr. Idiot, what is a DHPP vaccine?

DHPP stands for Damascus House of Pancakes. (The second P is silent.) The vaccine is given to children and the elderly before eating there to prevent them from contracting leptospirosis, which you get from eating rat meat, because as everyone knows, Syrians love rat meat. However, under ISIS rule, all DHPPs have been burned to the ground because pancakes are believed to bear too close a resemblance to the buttocks of the Islamic devil god Iblīs. And the vaccine has been outlawed as well, because ISIS people are serious anti-vaxxers.

Dr. Idiot, what should I do with a 6-hour layover at JFK?

Boil and eat 360 eggs, do the minute waltz with a stranger 360 times, watch Frost/Nixon 2.95 times, masturbate in an airport bathroom for six hours.

Dr. Idiot, which wine pairs best with Indian food?

Fortified swan’s blood. But only because most of their cuisine consists of raw swan meat. I have never been to Indiana.

Dr. Idiot, What’s the best way to get from Berlin to Vienna?

Convince Great Britain and France that your interest in Austria isn’t part of a hidden scheme to take over the world, then simply waltz (no pun intended) on over.

What would make the Dartmouth academic experience less stressful?

Hire people as the professors instead of hungry bears. Also: stop giving the bears guns.

Dr. Idiot, why is New York called “The Big Apple?”

When the Dutch began settling the area, all they could grow were radish bushes, which is fine if you like radishes, but soon the radish bushes began making cracks in the sidewalk. New Yorkers (as they were called by this time) would trip and fall on the cracks in the sidewalk, often landing in a pile of horse leavings in the street. Mayor LaGuardia, fearing a strike by the New York Chinese Animal Husbandry Coalition, declared it a crime to bring any piece of livestock into the thoroughfares of the city. So all of the horses had to live on Long Island until they died. And that is why Long Island is called Chinese Horse Skeleton Island.

Dr. Idiot, do you use the serial (or “Oxford”) comma?

The only people I know who use the Oxford comma are my grandparents, Hannah Montana and James Earl Jones.

Dr. Idiot, what is a “question?”

I’m sorry, but all questions must be stated in the form of an answer.

Dr. Idiot, who is your favorite member of the Wu-Tang Clan?

Old Dirty Bingo Hall.

Dr. Idiot, what happens if a group loses all its administrators?

Everyone becomes an administrator.

Dr. Idiot, what book(s) do you think would make a great stage play?

Stage Play: The Book. By William Allen Stage Play. (Adapted from the stage play “Stage Play: The Stage Play” by Stage Play Van Stage Play.)

Dr. Idiot, what’s the most scientifically inaccurate thing about the movie Jurassic Park?

A woman paleobotanist? Yeah. That’ll be the day.

I’m going to be on the east coast over NYE, and I’ll have time to see one Broadway show. Which one would you recommend (and why)?

Stage Play: The Musical. (Not as good as Stage Play: The Stage Play, but what can you expect from Mel Brooks. The man is tapped.)

Dr. Idiot, what is the most annoying characteristic a human being can possess?

That thing when you’re walking in the mall and someone is walking right towards you, and so you go left to get out of their way, but then they go left, so you go right, but then they go right, so now you try left again but guess what! They’re going left again too and now you’re like right in each other’s faces. And then they “accidentally” reach out and grab your balls.

Dr. Idiot, can global warming and peak oil both be considered legitimate problems?

If by “global warming” and “peak oil” you mean nicknames for sex acts performed by high-class prostitutes in and around the Washington, DC area, then no. If you mean the real things, then probably. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.

Dr. Idiot, where’s the best swimming hole in greater New York area?

I think the real question should be “Is one New York really greater than another?”

Dr. Idiot, why does a faint radio signal come through the speakers attached to my computer?

Because your dead ball player father is trying to reach you from the afterlife back in time. Wait, was he a ball player? Or a fireman. I can’t remember. Either that, or dead Michael Keaton is trying to help you solve his own murder. In any case, you should probably get new speakers. Ones without used-to-be-famous dead ghost actors pretending to be your dad.

Dr. Idiot, how can I get more girls?

Long answer: Really devote some time to becoming a better listener. The majority of women, though widely believed to be exclusively attracted to the wealthiest and most attractive of male suitors, rated communication skills in a potential mate higher on the list than looks or wealth in 73 anonymous university studies conducted nationwide last year alone. Short answer: Chloroform.

Dr. Idiot, where should I go in Canada during the summer months?


Dr. Idiot, where is the best place to buy a good color printer?

Please, it’s “printer of color” now.

Dr. Idiot, do you have any cool variations on organizing a Secret Santa gift-buying scheme among your friends, family, or coworkers?

Back home in Michigan, we had a game called “Michigan Santa” where you break into the home of a prominent member of the community (local weather man, high school principal) and snatch up their first-born child then take him or her to an undisclosed location (drainage pipe, abandoned laundromat) and leave them there wrapped in shiny ribbons, and a bomb.Then you demand a large sum of money ($4,000) be transferred from the prominent family’s bank to a secret account in the tropics. After the money is safely transferred, you reveal the location of the child and yell “Michigan Santa!” then hang up before the cops can get a trace on you. Then the game is finished. (There are variations, of course, such as “Iowa Santa” and “Honduras Santa,” but the original is the most fun.)

Dr. Idiot, what should I buy my toddler for Christmas?

From a psychological standpoint, the toddler years can be very stressful ones for a child. During this time, the child will probably be completely obsessed with the size of his or her penis. So probably avoid gifts that would make the child feel threatened. This would mean no trains, no rocket ships, no scale model Eiffel Towers, etc. Also don’t bring the child to the type of office party where dildos are given out as gag presents, or into any environment where the customary giving of dildos is celebrated. Also, I don’t know much about Kwanzaa, but probably avoid it, too.

Dr. Idiot, what do you most want to see on a new travel show?

Seahorses. Not real seahorse seahorses, but land horses learning to swim in the sea. And there should be strippers, also. Except the strippers should be on land, stripping, not swimming in the water with the horses. Also, get rid of the horses and the ocean.

Dr. Idiot, what is your favorite workout song of 2010?

“You Gonna Die” by Fatty and The Uglies.

Dr. Idiot, how am I supposed to know if Santa is real or not?

The easiest way to tell if Santa is real is to ask him. By law, Santa Claus HAS to tell you if he is real or not when you ask him. Otherwise it’s entrapment.

Dr. Idiot, is it legal for an IHOP to advertise itself as being open 24/7, yet close at 10 or 11 pm each night, and even earlier on Sundays?

Bearing in mind that IHOP is an international pancake house as opposed to your standard everyday American restaurant, the legality of the issue is subject to a much broader array of laws, treaties, and mandates than you probably thought. I believe it was stated in the Geneva Conventions that all IHOP restaurants may claim to be open for 24 hours 7 days a week, but that said hours do not have to be consecutive. I’m sure Interpol and Scotland Yard are working tirelessly as we speak to find a resolution.

Dr. Idiot, what do you want for Christmas?

One of those toothbrushes that is also a piece of candy.

Dr. Idiot, which acronym do you prefer when indicating that you’ve found someone’s Gchat funny?

OMG, TTYJTIGIQPTFTIEHIML. OC, ILAVSLAABASB, AISTMATPIPTSIACAHMUTGFWPRAPSPCIWAD, BLIS, AICSTE, TTYJSWTBWI. (Oh my God, that thing you just typed into Gchat is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Of course, I live a very sheltered life as a blind Amish stable boy, and I suppose that myself and the person I paid to smuggle in a computer and help me use the Gchat feature will probably receive a pretty serious public caning if we are discovered, but like I said, and I cannot stress this enough, that thing you just said will totally be worth it.)

Dr. Idiot, does objective beauty exist?

As long as the objects are two large female breasts covered in melted butter.

Dr. Idiot, what will Christmas look like at your church this year?

Basically, there are going to be a lot of white people trying to convince themselves that going to church on Christmas Eve will make up for masturbating the rest of the year.

Dr. Idiot, can you recommend a cheap moving company in NYC?

That depends on if you want your stuff to get to the place you are moving to, or to the pizza box castle where I live behind the burnt down abortion clinic in Chinatown. Because if it is the latter, I can be at your place tomorrow morning. Wait did I say “latter?” Because I meant former. I’m not homeless. Nor do I have Africanized horse rabies. See you tomorrow.

Dr. Idiot, how do I construct a path diagram of a second-order model and then generate a PRELIS or LISREL program based on the path diagram?

I’m going to assume that all of the words you just said have something to do with the Law & Order episode I just watched, and are not completely nonsensical morphemes you created by digging up Dr. Seuss’ grave, cutting off his mummified neck, blowing through it like a whistle, then having your idioglotic secretary transcribe the result onto refrigerator magnets which were then arranged by a dog. So to answer your question, the rapist got away because of the statute of limitations in California.