From all of us at Whale, happy holidays! No matter which one you celebrate. Just as long as you are among those most dear to your heart. Love, warm wishes and hugs, your dear friend, and as long as the point of the holiday you celebrate is to worship Jesus Christ and no one else, and celebrate his totally made-up birthday. If he was even born at all. And that’s it. The rest of you can go to Hell. And you probably will. And Happy Hanukkah! And I sincerely mean that. But NO Muslim or Jewish stuff. That is paramount.

Decks Of Halls

“But Joseph, Hanukkah’s already over! So who’s laughing now, asshole?” —Chinese heckler

“Still me. At Jews! Who have already opened their measly 8 presents and will cry kosher salty tears of regret and jealousy as they watch me rip open my 12 — count them, TWELVE! — bacon-wrapped presents all at once tomorrow morning, most of which will be birds doing cool stuff, and none of that stuff will include being mesmerized by the miraculous bang achieved by the buck they spent on some stupid lamp oil that never really did anything other than what lamp oil is supposed to do in the first place, which is lame and boring. When Jack-N-The-Box accidentally throws in an eighth stuffed jalapeno into my box of seven stuffed jalapenos, I don’t abandon my king and worship the stuffed jalapenos.” —President of the United States of America, Donald J. Antiochus IV Epiphanes