MONTAUK, NY—Veteran Long Island taxicab operator Nick Vickers was found dead in his own cab last night, some children have told me. The children, ages 7-10, are currently enrolled at Scudder Elementary School, a local magnet school located downtown adjacent Prambler’s Get-A-Long specializing in animal cosmetology. They discovered the body yesterday evening in the P.M.

Fourth grader Windy Whitney: “After school, me and my friends crossed the park to the Get-A-Long to buy a Miniature horse saddle. We had a coupon. We were planning to dress up Pippen the Miniature horse, who is our school mascot, in a manner befitting a female Miniature horse who is going to the prom. We had sewn a horizontal gown and the saddle was to be gold leafed. My first name is Whitney, by the way. You got it backwards.”

But reports indicate that upon entering the tack shop, the children were unable to purchase the saddle of their choice because their miniature coupon was too terribly small and the clerk was unable to read it. Distraught, the children ventured to the stables to break the news to Pippen, who was already wearing the dress. It was then they discovered Vickers’ body, which was sitting peacefully in the driver’s seat of his taxicab near Woodentree Park.

“We walked up to the cab and got in because we were too saddened to walk back to school. We had no idea what to say to our horse, or any ideas for what in the world the marmoset was going to do now that we didn’t have a saddle. The marmoset was going to ride in the saddle. They were going to be the prom queen and king. That’s when we noticed this guy was either dead or a mannequin. But then we poked him, and he wasn’t a mannequin.”

Cause of death has not been established, but police are in possession of a puppy and three ducklings that were found in a basket in the passenger’s seat of the cab. They were in full prom makeup.

“There was a note in the basket addressed to the children of Scudder Elementary from the dead guy. It said that he went to our school when he was a kid, and that he was donating the animals to the prom committee. He was on his way to the barnyard salon when I guess he had a heart attack. We will never forget him. We are going to re-name Pippen the Miniature horse to Taxihorse in honor of the taxi we found the dead guy in. Yes, we are painting her yellow.”

The children have petitioned City Council to re-name Woodentree Park after Vickers as well, but have been unsuccessful because the mayor came up with that name and everybody agrees that it is a very funny name for a park.