I need Jared Leto’s Joker like I need a storage unit, like an abandoned storage unit on one of these dumb auction shows, filled with dead horses. The lady opens up the thing, you immediately choke on the stench cloud, and then you realize you just blew a thousand dollars on a putrid communal horse coffin.

Also, and maybe you people know what I’m talking about when I say this: I’m sick till Christmas of the “Kubrick Stare.” The Kubrick Stare is a popular facial expression that is created when men who are supposed to be either mad or a genius or both (because “crazy” and “genius” are synonyms in our culture now), tilt their head down and look up with their eyes so it looks like they’re some kind of tortured social outcast who is just too cool for school because insanity is just so trendy.

The Kubrick Stare is used in every Stanley Kubrick film. I’m not sure, but I think Ebert coined that term. It is most notably featured in Clockwork Orange (you can see that mascara eyeball peeking up from under that stupid hat) and The Shining, when Nicholson (who will always be the best Joker, period) is staring out the window at his family playing in the snow with a perfect “Hey I’m so cool I belong in a mental hospital, isn’t that cool? Isn’t my strangeness endearing, hey pay attention to me!” face on his face.

It’s an expression that is meant to suggest that this special crazy snowflake is evil, but not really evil enough to actually butcher the wife and kids with an axe in real life. It’s magazine cover evil at best. In America, we like our evil to be amusing and edgy for the cameras, but we expect it to stop when the movie’s over. But real terror has no facial expression, and it never stops. Real terror is shark’s eyes and self-loathing with a special kind of moral forgetfulness that comes from a lifetime of isolation and neglect. Real terror is not glamorous at all. This fake evil stare is the look that the goth kids at your middle school dance all had on their faces because they were too cool and charmingly fucked up to dance like everyone else.

The point of this is, I can tell from just the trailer that even if I did possess the attention span required to sit through a whole movie, I would probably end up walking out of Suicide Squad a half hour into it anyway. If I were ever cast as the Joker in god forbid another one of these stupid fucking movies, I would play real evil, that is to say I would make you know that I hated myself more than my victims, that I got no joy from killing, and that I was too bitter and depressed to even dye my hair green. There would be lots of crying mixed with laughing (this is the only thing Hollywood has EVER gotten right about the mentally ill) and at the end of the movie I would die and nobody would care.

Harley Quinn looks pretty cool, though. I mean if you’re into blinding-hot women with baseball bats.