Went to the lake today and saw a couple making out on a bench. I’m not going to say I was jealous of their passion, but I will say that I recorded them on my phone and later edited a picture of my face over the face of the jerk who was kissing the beautiful girl. (I then later edited another picture of my face over the face of the beautiful girl so it looks like I’m making out with myself. I have issues with narcissism.)

Is narcolepsy where you fall asleep involuntarily, or is it where you sell narcotics to a leper? Or is it where you fall asleep while selling narcotics to a leper? If there were a decent leper colony in this town, I’d ask them. And possibly unload some of this blow.

Mother’s Day is Sunday. And yes, I did get something for my mom already. My mom loves Elvis, but she’s never been to Graceland. So guess what! I got her a box of Graceland brand chocolates with a picture of Graceland on the box. And each of the chocolates is in the shape of Elvis’ head. The top layer of the box is skinny Elvis, and the bottom later of the box is fat Elvis. I’ve already eaten most of the fat Elvises, though. Don’t tell my mom. (I bet you thought I was going to say I was going to take my mom on a trip to Graceland, didn’t you? Don’t be stupid, I can’t afford that. And my mom’s great, but she’s not THAT great. She knows what she did.)

There is a bodega cat that stares at me when I buy my morning paper and coffee. I’m thinking of going to a different bodega, or at least finding a distraction for the cat so that it will stop staring at me. Maybe a robotic mouse. Maybe a robotic stripper mouse. Maybe a robotic stripper mouse with fireworks. Maybe a robotic stripper mouse with fireworks and a penchant for telling aimless meandering stories about her Russian immigrant grandmother who’s a recovering alcoholic.

When I was little, I believed that if I kissed my own elbow, I would turn into a girl. Luckily, it is impossible to kiss yourself on your own elbow, unless you’re a girl, because girls are more flexible than boys. But if a girl kisses her own elbow, does she turn into a boy, or into a different girl? And if you kiss your elbow again, do you change back? Why isn’t there a terrible Disney movie based on gender-switching elbow kisses to answer these questions for me?