A man once said to me, “Follow your dreams, and they will lead you to your future.” The man was a homeless vagrant, and his unsolicited advice was as useful as the soiled diapers he wore for shoes.

I love to eat tuna fish, but I hate the smell it leaves in my kitchen when I’m finished. Maybe instead of investing money in dolphin-friendly production methods, you scientists should come up with a way for tuna fish not to smell like fish. Maybe you could make it smell like dolphins. Feel free to do a bunch of invasive testing on dolphins to achieve this goal.

My cell phone’s ringtone is the sound of a tree falling in the forest. When I’m not around, I put it on silent.

I’m never having children because I never want to have to explain to a child what a Fuddruckers is.

I was briefly a vegetarian, but my love for Veal Marsala outweighed my indifference toward the mistreatment of baby Marsalas.

Went to the mall today. They are still playing that Paula Abdul song.