OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THE DOGS AND CATS. Shitshitshit. How long has it been now? A year? Two years? Well, they’re dead for sure now. I can’t remember where I left th…oh, yeah. They were tied to the sexy pirate at the abandoned putt-putt golf course. HOLD ON…I’ll be right back.

OK. I’m back. And you’ll never guess what I have! That is correct. Two cat skeletons and two dog skeletons in a box. Maybe I can still somehow make a large amount of money with them. I think I’ll…no. I’m going to…wait. WAIT. I’ve got it. I’ll just kill two more dogs and two more cats, and use the skins to taxidermy over the bones of the original cats and dogs. Then I’ll sell the stuffed dead versions back to their owners for 500 dollars apiece. The owners will FOR SURE want to buy them because, like I said, I stole them two years ago and then let them die of starvation. The owners will want a keepsake of their dead pet, you know, to cheer up the kids when they ask “Where’s Muffin? Where’s Scrimshaw? Where’s Tabitha? Where’s Strawberry Frogurt?”

(Muffin, Scrimshaw, Tabitha, and Strawberry Frogurt are what I have named the skeletons.)

Of course, I’m going to have to take a taxidermy class. That’s going to cost money. Plus, I’d have to get the bones professionally cleaned, because it looks like some kind of rodent or homeless person has been chewing on them. Plus, it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to do all that, and I’m largely regarded as being insufferably lazy…

FUCK IT. Yeah, I’m not going to do any of that. What I will do is return the skeletons to the putt-putt course where I found them so that the hobo who was trying to eat them may continue to do so. Chewing on bones is good for your teeth, and the homeless are notorious for having bad teeth, so really I’m the good guy in all this!