Tonight’s episode: “CATS: THE INHUMAN ATROCITY”

Here’s a funny joke: What has four legs, a tail, some whiskers, a stupid emotionless little face, no respect for anything living or dead, a soul as black as the Devil’s heart, and poops in a box in the laundry room? Answer: A CAT. Oh, wait. That’s not a joke. NOR IS IT ANY LAUGHING MATTER.

Warning: if you enjoy the company of domesticated housecats, you probably shouldn’t read this column because it will only make you unhappy because every word in it is scientifically true, and people living in heightened states of delirium become unhappy when presented with the cold, dirty truth.

Now, some history. Ancient Egypt was a great place to live if you loved to do math on a beaded child’s toy, be turned into spicy beef jerky when you died, and worship cats. But did you know that it was neither Alexander the Great nor the spread of Christianity that destroyed the Egyptians? I’ll tell you what it was. It was those cats. Now fast forward three hundred million years to the time of the Ancient Romans! Try and guess who really killed Caesar, set everything on fire, and taught Nero how to play the fiddle. Did you guess a cat? Because if you did, then you are 100% correct. Look it up. Now fast forward again twelve hundred billion years to the days of the modern Americans! Cars are as big as houses. Houses are as big as mansions. Hotdogs are available in individually wrapped packages. Is it any wonder that a culture this absurd would allow cats to be kept in private homes as pets? Schroedinger had a cat. And guess what…SCHROEDINGER’S DEAD NOW.

But of course this really isn’t about cats, because a column about how much I hate cats would be dumb and nobody would want to read it, and I wouldn’t really want to finish writing it because it would already seem contrived by the third paragraph. So this is really about: THE iPHONE.

Man, the iPhone is dumb, am I right? YES. And here’s why: we don’t need it. NOBODY NEEDS ANYTHING LIKE THAT. And if you do think you need something like that, you’re as big an idiot as modern advertisers hoped you would be. You know those movies where it’s the future, and everything’s on fire and cereal boxes are alive and people all wear stupid-looking robotic neon hats? That’s because iPhone was invented 30 years before the time in which the movie was set. The iPhone is the technological equivalent to my mom’s argument as to why I should eat my potato salad when I was a little kid: “You like potatoes, you like salad, SO EAT THIS POTATO SALAD. I’M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN.” We like talking on the phone, watching TV shows, and downloading music, so we should LOVE the iPhone, right? iThinkNot. It was a weak argument then, and it is an even weaker one today. Mixing a bunch of things up into one dumb, stupid thing isn’t innovation, it’s deception, and if deception is the mother of invention, then she must have been friends with my mom back in 1990. I STILL HATE POTATO SALAD, AND ANYTHING WITH A LOWERCASE ‘I’ INFRONT OF IT IS AN ABOMINATION OF NATURE.

Actually, I like to eat potato salad now. Especially the kind with celery in it, because the celery is crunchy and it goes well with how the potatoes are so soft. But iPhone can still go to hell. Along with cats.