With A Life-Long Lock

1. Steven Segal is fatter in my nightmares.

2. Brian Quilderintanchidin Ritollaa Apl Theeeeenttelaplllanisneschoonder Astquintle Aopppleiinchaeism Ahchcantermockshtoher Minch Ahwoich Am Locm Cchmwntov Vointeoln Malskeingrighf Falkshwvmsl Skhfoiuew Toif Dniobuihweoriytroitu Tiantycrikmmtrancgiferfranchistroolinbahntk Eno.

3. Abbreviated septum.

4. More body-switch movies, please.

5. Hello, you’ve reached Platypus. I’m not here to answer your call, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll eat some candy and plan to call you back but probably forget.

6. Harry and the Hendersons 2: Harrier Hendersonser.

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In A Pestilential Prison

1. Batman got a bad haircut.

2. Whose chocolate milk is this?

3. Spaghetti and paintballs.

4. A bird in the hand is worth considerably less that a one hundred dollar bill in the hand.

5. That’s it, no more Mr. Nice Guy. (That is, if my insurance will cover the sex change operation.)

6. There is no 6. Only Zuul.

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In A Dull, Dark Dock

1. “I’m going to tear off your face and wear it as a mask,” cackled Rue McClanahan.

2. Saturn: gay Jupiter?

3. This world needs another Batman movie like I need a new asshole right here. (points to his elbow.)

4. Two dogs and a vicar walk into a bar. They never walk out.

5. Shoes for sale. Almost new. Feet included.

6. Truth or dare? Dare. I dare you to cut out your tongue. Ok. Truth or dare? Twoof. Have you ever immediately regretted doing something stupid? Yef.

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To Sit In Solemn Silence

1. When my eyes are closed I see people I’ve never met with facial expressions that are incongruent to their activies and haircuts I can’t explain.

2. An old woman (seated) is given a small dog by the man standing to her left, then she paints a number on it and tosses it into the fireplace.

3. The girl that brings the bagels loves Satan.

4. My underpants smell real tonight.

5. Jingle bears, jingle bears. Jingle all the bears.

6. Recent dog names: F. Scott Fitzhurcules. Crackers O. Selznick. (more later.)

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