Went to the lake today and saw a couple making out on a bench. I’m not going to say I was jealous of their passion, but I will say that I recorded them on my phone and later edited a picture of my face over the face of the jerk who was kissing the beautiful girl. (I then later edited another picture of my face over the face of the beautiful girl so it looks like I’m making out with myself. I have issues with narcissism.)

Is narcolepsy where you fall asleep involuntarily, or is it where you sell narcotics to a leper? Or is it where you fall asleep while selling narcotics to a leper? If there were a decent leper colony in this town, I’d ask them. And possibly unload some of this blow.

Mother’s Day is Sunday. And yes, I did get something for my mom already. My mom loves Elvis, but she’s never been to Graceland. So guess what! I got her a box of Graceland brand chocolates with a picture of Graceland on the box. And each of the chocolates is in the shape of Elvis’ head. The top layer of the box is skinny Elvis, and the bottom later of the box is fat Elvis. I’ve already eaten most of the fat Elvises, though. Don’t tell my mom. (I bet you thought I was going to say I was going to take my mom on a trip to Graceland, didn’t you? Don’t be stupid, I can’t afford that. And my mom’s great, but she’s not THAT great. She knows what she did.)

There is a bodega cat that stares at me when I buy my morning paper and coffee. I’m thinking of going to a different bodega, or at least finding a distraction for the cat so that it will stop staring at me. Maybe a robotic mouse. Maybe a robotic stripper mouse. Maybe a robotic stripper mouse with fireworks. Maybe a robotic stripper mouse with fireworks and a penchant for telling aimless meandering stories about her Russian immigrant grandmother who’s a recovering alcoholic.

When I was little, I believed that if I kissed my own elbow, I would turn into a girl. Luckily, it is impossible to kiss yourself on your own elbow, unless you’re a girl, because girls are more flexible than boys. But if a girl kisses her own elbow, does she turn into a boy, or into a different girl? And if you kiss your elbow again, do you change back? Why isn’t there a terrible Disney movie based on gender-switching elbow kisses to answer these questions for me?

Went to the mall today. THEY ARE STILL. PLAYING. THAT. GODDAM. PAULA ABDUL SONG.

A man once said to me, “Follow your dreams, and they will lead you to your future.” The man was a homeless vagrant, and his unsolicited advice was as useful as the soiled diapers he wore for shoes.

I love to eat tuna fish, but I hate the smell it leaves in my kitchen when I’m finished. Maybe instead of investing money in dolphin-friendly production methods, you scientists should come up with a way for tuna fish not to smell like fish. Maybe you could make it smell like dolphins. Feel free to do a bunch of invasive testing on dolphins to achieve this goal.

My cell phone’s ringtone is the sound of a tree falling in the forest. When I’m not around, I put it on silent.

I’m never having children because I never want to have to explain to a child what a Fuddruckers is.

I was briefly a vegetarian, but my love for Veal Marsala outweighed my indifference toward the mistreatment of baby Marsalas.

Went to the mall today. They are still playing that Paula Abdul song.

The expression “A penny for your thoughts” was first published in 1546 in a book called A Dialogue Conteinying the Nomber in Effect of all the Proverbes in the Englishe Tongue by a man named John Heywood. Today, after inflation, that penny would be worth around 47 dollars. You owe me 47 dollars.

I find it depressing that the bookstore has an enormous section on Christianity, but a tiny little section on philosophy. Faith wins over thinking, I suppose.

Ate breakfast at Taco Bell today. Unrelated side note: Have thrown up blood three times since eating breakfast at Taco Bell today.

Trees: should I still be climbing them?

My taxes: Did I forget to file them yet?

I can’t be positive, but I think I might have angered a lesbian in the park this afternoon after telling her(?) that she bore a striking resemblance to actor Bruce Willis. Or perhaps I met actor Bruce Willis this afternoon and am now surprised at how large his breasts have become.

Has anyone seen my record collection? I had over 12,000 records, alphabetized and everything, now I can’t find them. …Oh now I remember. I sold them to pay for the hospital bill I incurred after contracting amoebic dysentery after eating breakfast at Taco Bell today.

Went to the lake today and rented a kayak. Lots of fun. Didn’t go in the water with it (too dirty-looking), but still a good time.

Can hardly believe summer is halfway over. Soon it’ll be back to school and a new crop of kids to teach. Hope they are as eager to learn the calculus as last year’s crew (sarcasm.)

Almost died the other day over at Duck’s place (nothing new there!) Some kind of a time machine. Almost suffocated.

Been meaning to record The Bachelorette, but keep forgetting. Hope she picks that one that reminds me of Paul. (don’t really know how they’d be able to stay together, what with them living so far apart. But I guess that’s why they’re supposed to get married!)

Still need to go to Dillard’s and return the pennies I found in the penny loafers I bought. (Just doesn’t seem right to keep them.)

Been wondering: Should I drink more? Should I drink less? Do I drink just enough?

More people should dress their pets in costumes. But only costumes in the shapes of objects. Like a cat dressed as a bed.