I Am Beautiful?

There is a thing on the internet called a thigh gap. This is where you stand with your feet together, and if your thighs have a gap between them, you are beautiful. i tried this, and i am not beautiful. My legs are too plump, i guess.

Also, there is this thing on the internet called the Asian finger trap trick. This is where you put a finger up to your nose, and if your lips touch your finger, then you are beautiful. i tried this also, and my result was a resounding not beautiful.

Also on the internet is this thing called the toilet seat trap. This is where you sit on the toilet seat, and if your hips go off of the sides of the toilet seat, then your hips are too fat. i failed this one.

There is another thing on the internet called fatty, fatty 2X4. This is where you take a large piece of wood and place it on your head and if the wood falls off, then you have too much fat on your arms. i did this one, too, with negative results.

I also know of this thing called the Martian fatty trick. This is where you get on a rocket ship, go to Mars, and if you weigh more than 38 pounds in Martian gravity, then you are too fat, and your children are going to be fat, too. (i don’t think i did this one properly, because i think we went to Mercury by mistake.)

There seem to be a lot of these beauty tests on the internet. And i’m all for fun internet tests, like the test you take to figure out what kind of dog you’re supposed to be, or the test you take to figure out what kind of test you should take, but these beauty tests seem a little stupid to me. i don’t know if there’s any science to back them up, or if they’re made up. They seem made up. My mom says i’m beautiful, so maybe i am! Of course, the only true beauty test i know of is if the boys at school call you ugly and smelly. That means they like you! And i’m proud to say that i’m the ugliest, smelliest girl in school!

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PB&J&M&B

Dear diary,

There are few things in the world i like better than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! And one of those few things is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with mayonnaise and bananas on it! Have you ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with mayonnaise and bananas on it? If you haven’t, well then i think you should! The first time i had a peanut butter, jelly, mayonnaise, and bananas sandwich, it was an accident. i was making a regular peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the same time i was making a mayonnaise and banana sandwich, and i accidentally put the two together, and voilà! (Voilà is French for peanut butter and jelly sandwich with mayonnaise and bananas on it.) I have written a haiku about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with mayonnaise and bananas on it. It is called Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich With Mayonnaise and Bananas on it.

“Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich With Mayonnaise and Bananas on it” by: Catherine Towne.

The roof of my mouth
Sticky with peanut butter
And three other things.

i usually don’t write haikus, but i thought i would this time because i just got a new cell phone and the first three numbers are 575.

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Yay The Internet!

Dear diary,

OMG i love the internet. i especially love cat videos now. i have seen over one hundred cat videos now. There was this one cat video where the cat was dressed as a bunny and there was a bunny dressed as a cat and they were friends and they were playing together. Now i understand why my dad locks the bedroom door when he looks at the internet…he doesn’t want to be disturbed while he looks at cat videos! i have written a poem about cat videos. It is called Cat Videos.

“Cat Videos” by Catherine Towne.

Open up the browser window
The browser window is a treasure chest
The treasure is cat videos
i am the pirate
How many cat videos
can
i
watch
before
i
die
of
diabetes
that
i
got
because the cat videos are so sweet.
My soul is a cat video that lasts forever.

The end.

p.s. – i wonder why my dad only looks at the internet when my mom isn’t around.

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Yay Summer!

dear diary,

i love summer. (smiley face.) the thing i love most about summer is how when i’m outside i get all hot and sweaty and miserable, and then i come indoors and feel the cold a/c blowing on my face and taking the sweat away into the air. everything smells like clean bed sheets in the summer time. (smiley face.) i don’t have to go to school or anything in the summertime. Sometimes i just lay on my bed in my room and listen to the sound of my ceiling fan. Here is a poem i wrote about summertime. it is called, Summertime.

“Summertime” by: Catherine Towne.

Aged mother hanging clothes on the line
Wind blows wet tablecloths like ghosts of American flags.
Death’s withered finger has a black ribbon
tied
around
it
to
remind
himself
to
remember
to
make
winter
happen
again.
My spirit is a gingerbread candle
melting in the garage.

The End. (smiley face.)
p.s. i forgot how emoticons work.

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