Today is Presidents’ Day. I celebrated by going to a theatre and shooting myself. That is all. Questions? Comments? Call 555-9334. (It’s totally a real number, I promise.) [ mood | naughty ]
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Archive For: Ramblings
21 things.
the whale comeback is imminent. by which i mean i intend to start drawing whale again next semester after a semi-long and quasi-relaxing hiatus. speaking of steven spielberg, i saw War O’ the Worlds recently, and it was better than[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Happy Christmas, everyone. I say “happy” instead of “merry” because that’s how they do it in Europe, and I’m classy like that. Also, if you celebrate one of those other, crappier holidays, have a nice one of those. Today is[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
I just read my last entry, and it scared me to death and I cried all over the place. Perhaps I went a little overboard on that one. “My bad” as they say. Didn’t mean to ruin your Christmas with[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Where’s all the money? Where is all the MONEY?? There is money in this world that belongs to ME, but something is wrong, and I don’t have the money, so I’ll ask again. WHERE IS MY FUCKING MONEY? Maybe you[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Tonight is the night, ladies and everyone. the night that I almost forgot about until five minutes ago when I saw an ad for it on the television. I am, of course, talking about the Academy Awards. When I was[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Here the things are: Thing #1: Measures are currently being taken to transfer my website to it’s future new home at www.whaleontheweb.com. How exciting, right? Good. Thing #2: My birthday is Saturday. I’m turning 22. Also, Japanese. (I thnk.) Thing[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
“The Green Pyramid” The story of the green pyramid is not for children or babies. It has greed, nervousness, complicated mathematical formulae, a large green pyramid, nakedness, and the whole world almost getting blown up all over the place. The[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello!
I am almost 30 years old and I have been drawing this goddam cartoon for over a decade, have won awards, received praise from high sources, signed autographs on naked boobs, and gave the 2007 commencement address at Stanford University[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Well I just now finally watched Garden State for the first time…OK most of it. It was so BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING that I skipped the last half hour. If the moral of the story was that your life will be better if[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
I need Jared Leto’s Joker like I need a storage unit, like an abandoned storage unit on one of these dumb auction shows, filled with dead horses. The lady opens up the thing, you immediately choke on the stench cloud,[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
I STILL LOVE YOU, PAUL. Here is my unsolicited review of Paul McCartney’s McCartney II, which I bought today because it was $6 at the used record store. I am not a music critic, but I feel obligated to do[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Michael Crichton, who tragically passed away before his brainy vision of a technological Utopia where mankind finally abandons its flamboyantly irresponsible disregard for the correct placement of the “H” in his last name became a reality, sold over 200 million[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
St. Vincent’s fifth herself album MASSEDUCTION, which was cheekily and/or arrogantly touted as a “masterpiece” by her own social media posts, damn near is. A low-hanging satire of a mainstream pop album which is also—guess what—a fully-dysfunctional mainstream pop album.[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
From all of us at Whale, happy holidays! No matter which one you celebrate. Just as long as you are among those most dear to your heart. Love, warm wishes and hugs, your dear friend, and as long as the[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
“THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE WOMEN IN RUBBER FLIRTING WITH ME, GIMME A BREAK!” Is something a professional actress just screamed with total sincerity in front of an audience full of mesmerized, giving-a-shit people, none of whom immediately exploded[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
You will never experience a more beautiful efficiency than this video of Andy Warhol eating a Burger King Whopper in 1981. Listen to that sound. It actually purrs! That’s real film, too. Remember when movies were sensual? Remember right now[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I fear the only measurable display of confidence you will glean of my soul this day, Father, blooms and withers before you now as a single teardrop in the ocean of eternity, serving[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
The following Google reviews you are about to read are real. All of these places have been reviewed by me after visiting them, and fairly, for the people of The Google Corporation. My stunning work as a freelance critic has[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry…
