As the great U2 once said in the only good song they ever wrote, “Nothing changes New Year’s Day.” I am reminded every January the 1st of the strides we didn’t make the previous year, what we could be doing if we had, and the fistfuls of pure cash I could be throwing into the air above me as I lie naked on my bed of pure money, letting the cash rain all over me like green, flapping dead birds, if only I had reverse-engineered that stolen prototype of the latest Apple dealie and filed that patent before those cidersuckers could.

(If we had only given Dean Stockwell the funding and resources we gave Steve Jobs (who was a professional charlatan known for wearing a cape in public and inviting children into his panelvan to eat dollar store candy, AND NOTHING ELSE), we could all be looking at cat gifs on Sentient Lite-Brite Speak-N-Spell Bleep-Blorp Tetris M’Bobs instead of iPhones, and asking Ziggy how to MacGyver a breast pump out of a cigar and a bolo tie instead of Siri. Lame.)

Dean Stockwell

Now here’s my tech forecast for 2018:

1. Wireless electricity by 2218.

2. Bulbless light by 2236.

3. Phones where you can actually understand what people are saying by 2020. (No more “That’s Duck with a D. First letter is D, yes. D-U-C…no, D! D AS IN DAVID! NOT B LIKE BOY, D! AS IN DOG! D AS IN DOG! YES, OR DAVID, TOO! WELL, “DELTA” I GUESS IF YOU’RE GREEK OR IN THE MILITAR…IT’S ALL THE SAME LETTER, LADY!”)

4. Silent fireworks by 2103. (More specifically, total custom control over physical placement and behavior of sound waves. Will prove essential to figuring out the bulbless lights. And I mean no buttons or anything. You just point a finger and blink your eyes and there’s some light. Shape it, color it, dim it, whatever. It responds to the thing stuck into your brain as a baby and sucks electricity out of thin air. NO MORE WIRE WIRES!)

5. Cancer is as laughable as polio by 2230.

6. Menstruation is as laughable as cancer by 2292.

7. Dark Mattricity by 2374. (Wireless electricity as an energy source will be replaced by the juicing of nonbaryonic energy right out of the dark matter we swim in, which we cannot see but know is lurking near us at all times. Like Steve Jobs in his handmade, bedazzled pedophile cape, pied piping children straight into his van, the sick bastard.)

8. Dark Mattressity by 2375. (This one will prove to be a stupid fad. It’s like waterbeds except dark matter inside. As they say in Paris, France: “L’ame!”)

9. Complete Material Obsolescence by 2779. (Nothing will be made out of anything or achieve anything by way of a mechanical process. That’s right, even our bodies. Gone. Just infinite thoughts in a braincloud, that’s us. No sex either. But it’s cool, we won’t want to at all. “Shut up, brain!” we will say. “I know you only want me to have sex so you can fill The Olive Garden with screaming babies because you hate me. I know you only live for my very torture and wish for my suffering in the eternal ball pit of Satan himself’s steward on earth, The Olive Garden, to be the last thing I think of before I join Steve Jobs and Pontius Pilate inside of his hot, forever-chewing mouth, you fat, sadistic prick. Well guess what! (Electric-guitar-unplugging-sound followed by the sound of one thousand whoopee cushions exploding out of a giant braincloud horse ass in outer space, where we live now because we finally cooked the earth in 2778.)” Also, no horses or asses or pooping horses anymore. We cooked the animals, too.)

10. Just kidding, we will never be able to tell the difference between “D” and “B” over any phone we will ever make.