Frosty The Assholeon December 28, 2014 at 8:00 am
There is nothing more abhorrent than a Christmas song. Sleigh bells are not an instrument. Regular bells are barely an instrument. How many dead crooners do I need to hear coaxing reluctant girls into having sex with them because it’s a little cold out before I throw up my nog? There is one Christmas song in particular that is especially awful for its overbearing optimism, saccharine major chord tonality, and casual references to bringing the inanimate to life, which is something only zombies and witch doctors do. I’m talking about Frosty the Snowman. Here is a breakdown:
“With a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal”
Frosty is by far the most selfish of all the fictional Christmas monsters. He took the pipe of an old man whose tobacco was his only source of happiness, and who became bitter and cranky all season without it, ultimately resorting to sniffing glue and paint thinner and verbally abusing his wife. The button he stole from a housewife whose blouse popped open at a party because of it, resulting in embarrassment and unwanted advances from the neighborhood men. And the coal was taken from a pair of vagrants who, without a fire to keep them warm, froze to death Christmas Eve in the alley behind Stuckey’s.
“There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, for when they placed it on his head he began to dance around”
The witch doctor who made the hat forgot to tell the children that the hat would not only bring nonliving things to life, but would also kill any living thing that tried to wear it. You can probably guess what happened to the children after they got bored with Frosty and started playing dress-up.
“Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day so he said let’s run and we’ll have some fun now before I melt away”
I’m widely regarded as being a self-centered prick, but Frosty takes the cake. His laissez-faire attitude toward his own impending demise and his desire to run and play with the children during his last hours suggest a level of egotism that we’ve only seen in Hitler himself. Instead of doing something worthwhile with his last remaining moments on earth, or even trying to locate a large refrigerated facility that would keep him alive and well for months, Frosty frittered away the day loitering in the streets with children and annoying traffic cops.