I went down to Grandma’s Attic, which is a thrift store downtown, and I was shocked, SHOCKED at the selection of vintage and niche market games they had for sale. (Is shocked when you are pleasantly surprised, or when you can’t believe how shitty something is…because I don’t want to give off the vibe that I hate Grandma’s Attic, or that they have a shitty selection of weird games. Because there were LOTS of cool old games, more than I could count. So let’s just set that record straight right now. OK.)

Now you may have heard of some of these games. Of course there was Don’t Go To Jail, and Don’t Wake Daddy, and Don’t Break The Ice (in fact there was an unusual amount of games where the object was NOT to do things.) And there was Operation and Twister and a REALLY OLD version of Monopoly with a picture of Rich Uncle Pennybags reprimanding a slave for what looks like the crime of making him a less-than-perfect Mint Julep on the front of the box, which is…wrong on many levels. Kind of pushed that one to the side.

But I did come across some juicy finds, those rarest of the rare games that they only made twelve of for some reason, and half of those were lost in a warehouse fire in 1962 or something like that. The first on the list is a game called Burning Down The House. It is literally a box full of strike anywhere matches and a list of common places around town that you or someone you know could easily burn down. Ironically, the first place on the list is the ill-fated warehouse that in 1962 stored half of the world’s supply of Burning Down The House.

The next game I found is called Polar Dare. Inside the box is a sheet of paper with the latitude and longitude of some place in Antarctica, two plane tickets to Antarctica, a large, sharpened poking stick, and a jumbo bottle of fish oil. Oh, and here are the instructions: “Get on the plane and go to the coordinates in Antarctica. There, you will find a large population of polar bears. Strip naked. Rub the fish oil all over your body. Approach the polar bears with the large poking stick. Poke the polar bears. Survive.” Huh…that’s it. Doesn’t sound that hard. I guess the makers of the game forgot that polar bears live in the Arctic Circle in the north, not Antarctica in the south. Maybe that’s why they stopped making this game.

The next game is called Taxidermy Tommy. Inside the box is…OH, JESUS CHRIST. It’s a squirrel carcass and two dead otters. Not sure how long they’ve been in there, but judging by the smell and the festive sweater one of the otters is wearing, I’d say since Christmas at the very latest. I’m done with this game.

Last but probably least is a game that is called Mix-Em-Up. I believe that this game was trying to cash in on some of the phenomenal success of the game Twister, because there’s a picture of a group of teens on the front of the box having a hell of a time trying to keep their body parts on the specified areas of the game mat…but wait a minute…there’s something odd about the teens…they’re all…yes, they’re all males, and it looks…yes. They’re all fully naked. And touching each other’s bottoms and wieners. This is a gay party game.

OK, maybe Grandma’s Attic isn’t such a great place after all.