There is a thing on the internet called a thigh gap. This is where you stand with your feet together, and if your thighs have a gap between them, you are beautiful. i tried this, and i am not beautiful. My legs are too plump, i guess.

Also, there is this thing on the internet called the Asian finger trap trick. This is where you put a finger up to your nose, and if your lips touch your finger, then you are beautiful. i tried this also, and my result was a resounding not beautiful.

Also on the internet is this thing called the toilet seat trap. This is where you sit on the toilet seat, and if your hips go off of the sides of the toilet seat, then your hips are too fat. i failed this one.

There is another thing on the internet called fatty, fatty 2X4. This is where you take a large piece of wood and place it on your head and if the wood falls off, then you have too much fat on your arms. i did this one, too, with negative results.

I also know of this thing called the Martian fatty trick. This is where you get on a rocket ship, go to Mars, and if you weigh more than 38 pounds in Martian gravity, then you are too fat, and your children are going to be fat, too. (i don’t think i did this one properly, because i think we went to Mercury by mistake.)

There seem to be a lot of these beauty tests on the internet. And i’m all for fun internet tests, like the test you take to figure out what kind of dog you’re supposed to be, or the test you take to figure out what kind of test you should take, but these beauty tests seem a little stupid to me. i don’t know if there’s any science to back them up, or if they’re made up. They seem made up. My mom says i’m beautiful, so maybe i am! Of course, the only true beauty test i know of is if the boys at school call you ugly and smelly. That means they like you! And i’m proud to say that i’m the ugliest, smelliest girl in school!