MONTAUK, NY – A certain set of citizens are in uproar over an uproar that occurred last night at Swilly’s free house, a local pub.

Swilly’s is known as a favorite haunt amongst the Montauk fisherman community, but last night the pub was overrun by members of the Suffolk county volunteer fire department, whose own favorite pub, Willy’s, burned down under mysterious circumstances last week. Rumors that local fishermen were to blame for the fire was no doubt the cause of the massive fight that broke out between both groups last night.

Grant Pine, Chief of the SFD and member of the brawl, said: “Everybody knows that those old fishermen burned down Willy’s. They thought it would be a funny joke. And they were jealous of our whores.”

In addition to being taverns, both Swilly’s and Willy’s are known whorehouses.

“Those old bastards knew that once Willy’s was gone, all our beautiful whores would wander over to Swilly’s looking to make their money,” Pine states. “And guess what we saw when we got over there – all of our whores! So naturally we had to start beating the fishermen mercilessly.”

“We were not beaten mercilessly. We put up a good fight,” says Ben Stocking, 67-year-old fisherman and Swilly’s regular. “Yes, we may have started the fire at Willy’s. Yes, we may have stolen the firemen’s whores. And yes, I may have slept with Chief Pine’s daughter, but we most certainly did not steal the high school mascot, Bernie the Bulldog…we may have stolen Bernie the Bulldog. You’re not going to print any of this, are you?”

The bad blood between the fishermen and firemen is not new. The groups have been at odds ever since the firemen’s ball incident of 1987, in which the town’s fishermen were to provide all the delicious fish to be eaten at the firemen’s ball that year. But the fish was not refrigerated properly, and the firemen all became violently ill. It is unknown whether the food poisoning was intentional, but the feud has been going on ever since.

When police arrived on the scene of the brawl last night, they too were dragged into the fight.

“We came to settle the place down,” says Officer Dana Flurry, “but everyone knows that both the fishermen and firemen in this town make prank calls to 9-1-1 all the time. So naturally some of us felt the need to rough a few of them up.”

The fighting eventually stopped around 1:30 AM this morning, when all parties involved decided that they were too exhausted to fight anymore, and that it was a good time to have a drink, and a visit with one of Swilly’s famous whores.