I have won a trip to Canada. I was driving home in my car when I accidentally won a radio contest. I meant to call the pizza parlor and order a delicious pepperoni pizza, when I dialed the radio station instead. Apparently, I correctly answered the trivia question, “What is the American variety of salami that is usually made from cured pork and beef mashed together and sliced thin for pizza topping and hot sandwiches?”

My knowledge of Canada is limited because I have only been there once, in 1978, as part of a touring Jazz ensemble called Mouthful of Jazz. (I was not responsible for the name. Had I been responsible for the name, it would have been Whereas Jazz Has Pizzazz, Alcatraz Has Bad Dads. I guess that’s why I wasn’t responsible for the name.)

The only things I remember about Canada are the numerous hairy marmots that roamed the streets, and the numerous hairy strippers that roamed the streets offering “marmots” to lonely men, which is a hand job performed with a wool mitten on. The rest of my knowledge of Canada is based on hearsay, and films. One film about Canada that I particularly enjoyed was The Saskatchewan Redemption, which was about a Canadian prisoner who escapes, then returns and politely informs the warden of the insufficient security measures at the prison, where he served the remainder of his sentence quietly. It starred a white Canadian actor as the main character, and another white Canadian actor as the main character’s best friend, because there are no black people in Canada. (Which is why my Jazz ensemble was met with such confusion from the locals.)

So I’m packing my bags tonight and I’m getting on the airplane tomorrow, then it’s off to Canada for a week. I’m not sure whereabouts in Canada I’m going, because the ticket only says “Canada.” I hope this is a real plane ticket and not some joke perpetrated by the idiots on the morning radio show. Have any of you heard of an airline called I.C.U.P. Airlines?