I am almost 30 years old and I have been drawing this goddam cartoon for over a decade, have won awards, received praise from high sources, signed autographs on naked boobs, and gave the 2007 commencement address at Stanford University to a large group of morons half of which will never get a good job, and yet, and this is the truth, THERE IS NOT A WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE ABOUT ME. Where the hell is my Wikipedia entry? I think my fame is obvious. Who do you have to sleep with to get a Wikipedia entry? Jimmy Wales? Because I have, and I was fabulous, and yet I am still without a Wikipedia entry.

Let me outline why I need my own Wikipedia article.

Number one: I draw Whale, a comic strip that was at one time so famous people at parties wouldn’t leave me alone about it. People used to come up to me, know who I was and what I did, and thank me for it. Some even gave me money. Also, handjobs.

Number two: I am the author of a wildly popular book, which is sold at not one, not two, but THREE bookstores around the world, which has sold millions of copies and is endorsed by Tina Fey, whose comedy acumen is second only to my own.

Number three: I wrote, starred in, and directed the hilarious comedy film Caddyshack, which won the best picture Oscar award in 1980 as well as best cinematography and best sound editing, both of which I am also responsible for.

Number four: I am a vampire who has been alive since the time of Christ, who I was pretty good friends with and for whom I was the ghostwriter of almost everything he said.

Still not satisfied? Perhaps you’d be interested to know that I was the original bass player for a band called The Quarrymen. (You might know them better by the name they later changed their name to, THE FUCKING BEATLES.) I quit the band in 1957 because my bass playing was too sophisticated for John Lennon, who was also very afraid of me, because as I mentioned, I am a vampire. So there you go. It’s time for me to be famous.