Toxic Toilet Tissue Torments Troubled Townon April 28, 2014 at 2:22 pm
MONTAUK, NY – Citizens are in uproar over some bad toilet paper that they all bought at the store.
The toilet paper, which was not real toilet paper, but rolled-up Poison sumac, was purchased in bulk by customers at Chargey’s Tip-Top Goods, a local Long Island discount store. An estimated 1,200 rolls have been sold as of Monday.
Barbara Squib, a Chargey’s customer “knew something was wrong” after she “used the toilet paper and immediately felt a terrible burning sensation” on her backside. However, Squib continued to use the Poison sumac to clean herself for days because she attributed the burning rash to a food allergy, and because it was such a good bargain.
“I know now that the toilet paper was toxic,” says Squib, “but it was so inexpensive, and there was a picture of a pink anthropomorphic bear on the package. I love talking bears. I love Smokey the Bear. Only I can prevent forest fires.”
When confronted about the toilet paper by victims of the toilet paper, Randall Wise, owner of Chargey’s Tip-Top Goods, had this to say:
“I stand by each of my products. I obtained the shipment of the so-called poisoned toilet paper from a group of Italian-American businessmen who charged me only a fraction of what I would pay for name brand toilet paper in exchange for selling only their particular line of bathroom products, and for letting them take a small percentage of the profit I made, which was substantial, because everyone in this town is crazy about talking bears.”
Chargey’s has five locations in the Montauk area, and each store has nearly sold out of the toilet paper in question despite public health concerns. Other popular products at Chargey’s include aftershave which is allegedly pure gasoline, deodorant which is allegedly a stick of hardened bacon grease, hair pomade which is allegedly hog semen, and toothpaste that is allegedly a sugar-based narcotic known on the street as “Snow Cone.”
When asked about the unusual products, Wise denied any involvement in illegal activity and the alleged murder of his wife.