My computer has a virus on it. (I was not downloading porn.) My computer used to work properly. When I turned it on, I was presented with my desktop image, which was a picture of Miles Davis smoking a giant doobie in 1948, and my desktop icons, which were arranged alphabetically. Now when I turn my computer on, I am presented with the desktop image, which is now a picture of a giant skull with a skeleton hand coming out of the mouth giving me the middle finger, and my desktop icons, which are now arranged in the shape of an upside down pentagram. I am told by several people that this symbol is commonly associated with devil worship, which is all my computer is good for now apparently.

I tried to use the internet, but instead of the internet, now I have something that is called the “Beibernet,” which is basically just like the internet, except all it has are pictures and videos of some woman named Justin Beiber, who I’ve never heard of but who I am told by many people is also associated with devil worship.

So now I am at Starbucks using a laptop I borrowed from one of the baristas for the purpose of telling you all that there is a virus on my computer and that if any of you know how to remove computer viruses, I would greatly appreciate a consultation.

The barista is looking at me funny. Perhaps she believes I am looking at pornography. I am not. The barista has a nose ring and some tattoos that are probably associated with devil worship. What the hell is wrong with this town?