Unlike the sappy 1984 Huey Lewis song which is actually about the love of a good woman and NOT substance abuse, I actually do need a new drug because my body has become desensitized to the effects of all of the ones I am currently doing.

Zolpidem and Benadryl have little to no effect on me now, even though I take a combined total of around 23 of them per night. Used to be I’d take a handful of them and it was LIGHTS OUT for ol’ Duck. Now I’m lucky if I fall over and drool all over myself only once after swallowing a couple dozen.

Seroquel, or “Jailhouse Heroin” as it’s called by me and several questionable people I know, used to provide me with the woozy carefree feeling I needed to get me through USA’s Law & Order: SVU marathons, but now I feel nothing. Note to the reader: Suzy Qs go great with a travel mug of maple syrup and Burger King chicken fries.

Dilaudid hydromorphone is a great painkiller to abuse. Dilly-Dallies used to be a lot of fun, but of course now they’re about as useless to me as my subscription to China Doll Quarterly. (I sold my china doll collection to buy Dilly-Dallies.)

Xanax used to get me really high, but it doesn’t anymore. But I still take lots of it because if I ever stopped, I would probably end up ripping open a commercial aircraft’s emergency door and jumping out mid-flight because of the bright orange flying horse skeletons that I see when I don’t take my Xanax.

Codeine suppositories. Once upon a time, I really enjoyed shoving Purple Drank up my ass, but now it’s no fun anymore. Neither is Percocet, Opana, Charlie Brown, Charleston Chew, Pizza Crust, Asian Zing, Spicy Buffalo, Good Time Richard, Norm From Cheers, Egg McMuffin, Secretariat, or Frank Zappa’s Moustache. (All real drugs.)

So if you’re reading this, and you have something new for me to alter my mind with, please come to my house immediately. Note to the reader: I only have twelve dollars.