Christ Crucified Causes Commotionon April 21, 2014 at 2:22 pm
MONTAUK, NY – Citizens are in uproar over a living display of a bleeding, crucified Jesus Christ on the front lawn of the First Holy Guilt Trip Catholic Church of Long Island. The display, in which area man Jeff Littlefield is dressed as Christ and is actually nailed to an actual wooden cross, with local Boy Scout troop 4125 dressed as Roman centurions who are actually beating him with large sticks and mocking him, was erected this morning to celebrate Easter Sunday.
The church, which sits at the busy intersection of 5th Street and Main, is directly across from Chompsky’s, a popular family restaurant. Patrons of the restaurant and their children, upon viewing the crucifixion display, immediately began protesting the controversial scene.
“It’s just so bloody,” says Ira Bean, father of four and Chompsky’s regular. “I get that they want to celebrate Easter, but why does it have to be so violent? All I want to do is take my family to a nice breakfast. Not re-live the worst moment in Jesus’ life…And wait, wasn’t Jesus crucified on Good Friday? Today is Easter, the day he came back from the dead. I don’t get it.”
Father Sean O’Malley, orchestrator of the crucifixion, had this to say: “Jeff is a real sport for letting us kill him in such a public fashion. He’s a real great guy. I almost wish we weren’t murdering him, but it’s just such a fabulous way to celebrate the wonderful sacrifice Christ made for us all. And I’m sure that three days after Jeff’s death, Jesus will see fit to bring him back from the dead. I just hope he doesn’t crave human brains afterward! Just kidding.”
Churchgoers stood their ground against the protestors after Sunday mass. Gloria Tate, lifelong member of First Holy Guilt Trip, said the following: “I don’t see what these people’s problem is. Jesus being crucified is a cherished image. You’ll find crucifixes in most of the homes in town. The murder of Christ is one of my favorite Bible stories, along with the one about the guy who murdered his son, the one about the angel of death who murdered all the first born sons of Egypt, or the one about the guy who murdered his brother. I much prefer the Bible to television. Television is just so violent.”