Hello, voting public. You’ve reached the blog of the candidate for and future office-holder of an important elected office near you. I’m talking about me, Iftheodorerooseveltwerearabbit.

But now let’s talk about you. Are you tired of party politics? Good. I have literally and figuratively no idea what that term means. So, score one for both of us I guess.

Are you tired of big government? That’s great. I only need one room to work in, and probably a room for my hot assistant. (Now hiring an assistant. Must be hot.)

Are you tired of small government? Fantastic. I have a huge copy of the Constitution, it’s like, super giant. I got it at the novelty store. It’s plastic. It probably wouldn’t even fit in the room I mentioned earlier, but I can lean it on the side of the building, or prop it up on the top of two hot sports cars in the parking lot next to the office.

Are you tired of candidates that lie, cheat, and steal? Guess what. I’ve never done those things.*

Are you tired, period? Well today’s your lucky day. I’ve got this mattress I really need to sell. (It’s up on craigslist. Just search “bleach” and “knife fight.”)

Ok, voter, that does it for now. Tune in often for campaign trail news, insights, punditry, lists of great things I’ve done/am capable of doing, and more crap I need to sell.

Oh, and if anybody’s reading this, PLEASE be on the lookout for my lost grey cat. She ran away last week. Her name is Blanche, she has an adorable round face, and she needs her medication. I am offering a $200 reward!!

*I’ve done those things.