Tonight’s episode: “THE SMOKING LUNG”

What’s the worst part about smoking? NOTHING! It feels good, it looks cool, and recent studies indicate that smoking at least one pack of cigarettes a day gives you super powers such as breathing underwater and the ability to communicate with animals and foreigners using invisible brain lasers. Also, girls are impressed when you can make the smoke come out of your nose, like a dragon.

Unfortunately, everybody knows that all of that stuff I just told you is a lie. (Except the part about it making you feel good and look cool, because those are just undeniable facts, even doctors think so.) So the real problem is this: why do we like to smoke when we know it’s so deadly? The answer to that question is that it makes us feel human, and nothing is more human than being dead. Smoking is an activity that everybody in the world can embrace, just like soccer if soccer were actually embraced by everybody in the world and not just by everybody in the world except Americans, who like to watch people drive cars around really fast instead. EVERYBODY can smoke, and most do at some point in their lives. It can be glamorous, like when a movie star does it, but it can also be trashy, like when a movie star who isn’t very good-looking does it. But most simply, people smoke because people need something to do. It’s just a shame that that particular something has to be something that scorches your lungs and makes your heart explode…

UNTIL NOW! Are you listening, big tobacco? Because I’M ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR PANTS OFF with an idea that will make you, and subsequently me, an amount of money so obscene that there isn’t even a number that goes up that high. Like whatever number would come after millions, that’s probably how much. The idea is for an invention called a “smoking lung” that people would have installed into their bodies to collect all of the bad stuff that’s in cigarettes, and when it’s rotten, you just take it out and put in a new one.

Step one would be to start building special clinics all around the country that would specialize only in the surgery required to install the smoking lung. The lung would probably be made out of silicone, so you could call these clinics “plastic surgery clinics” or something like that. Next, you would implant the lung into the customer’s body. You could make room by first removing the appendix, the extra kidney, or the extra liver. Or better yet, you should probably just put the implant under the skin of the chest, since that’s kind of near where lungs go anyway. And you should probably divide the lung into two parts, because people like symmetry, and one shape hanging off someone’s chest would look silly. So after the implants have been installed, you simply massage them every once in a while to keep them properly aligned, and so that the tar and gross stuff from the cigarettes absorbs into them properly, and not into your regular lungs. Also, this surgery should probably be marketed primarily toward women, because everybody knows that it’s very dangerous for pregnant people to smoke, and women are primarily the people who become pregnant.

And that would pretty much be it! The surgery wouldn’t take very long, and afterwards, people could smoke as much as they wanted to, free of worry! People might feel the need to wear some sort of garment around the implants to keep them secure, but you know what, it would probably be best for them if you just didn’t. You know, because they should probably just be left free to move around so that the cigarette stuff doesn’t settle in one place. For health purposes.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: The column you have just read is remarkably insightful, and its author should be awarded with trophies, a free trip to someplace in Europe, and briefcases full of money.