Tonight’s episode: “THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘CAN’ AND ‘SHOULD'”

Steven Spielberg’s 1993 documentary Jurassic Park presented our culture with a very important moral, a moral that fertile people today have forgotten, and that moral is this: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they forgot to stop and think if they should.” In the film, the scientists were so excited about making dinosaurs that they forgot that dinosaurs are vicious and bloodthirsty and wanted to eat all of them. HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THEIR MISTAKE? Look: we’ve all seen the footage. I was nine years old when I first beheld the tragedy that took place on that island, and I am not ashamed to say that I cried like a girl and had to be escorted out of the theatre when the T-Rex looked at the camera and yelled at the top of his unholy lungs.

But the point is: BABIES. Specifically, there are too many of them in the world, more specifically in this country, and most specifically in and around the place where I live and the places where I like to go for fun. And not just regular babies, but also the kind of babies who have grown up a little and can now walk around and wear pants and require health care…the kind of babies called PEOPLE.

People, there is a difference between “can” and “should.” I know because I’ve seen what happens when these two concepts are confused. A scientist can make a dinosaur, but he shouldn’t because it will spit poisonous acid jelly all over his face and eat him. I can fit an entire smoked turkey leg into my mouth, but I shouldn’t because if I choke, nobody at the Renaissance festival probably knows how to do CPR, nor would they volunteer this service anyway because it would require breaking character. And most importantly, a sixteen-year-old and her just-got-out-of-prison boyfriend can get busy and make a baby, but they shouldn’t because THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO FEED IT OR BUY IT THINGS TO MAKE IT SHUT UP, like a pacifier, or polio vaccine, or an iPod. However, that hasn’t stopped any of these situations from coming true, which they all have, some more than once.

Listen: this is not Ireland, and I am not demanding that we eat babies. I AM demanding that there be mandatory abortions for all pregnant couples who cannot prove to ME that it would be beneficial for them to have a baby. This application process will take place in a regular room, with me at a table dressed in regular clothing, and the expectant couple on the other side of the table. They must then proceed to convince me why I would be better off, or at least not 100% annoyed at the prospect of them making more of each other. This may be done by displaying photos of great things the couple has done. For example, winning a sack race or moving a piano up a steep driveway. Photos won’t be required, but man, they’ll help. Also, an expectant couple may wish to inform me of what they plan to teach the baby to do once it is born and old enough to learn how to do things. For example, if they plan to teach the baby to speak English, or some other language. It is not required that the baby learn English, but, like the photos, it will probably help, because I only speak English, and I have to be able to shout at the baby if it ever crawls into my living room expecting me to pet it or feed it chocolate, or whatever it is that babies like, and I do NOT plan on shouting in some dumb foreign language. Unless it’s German, because their swear words sound close to ours. At last, when I have made my decision, I will inform the couple by awarding them with either a balloon featuring a cartoon bird on it and the words “It’s a baby!” or a fruit basket with a brief yet tasteful note from me with the words “Sorry, but it’s for the best” and a coupon to Bennigan’s or a local put-put golf course for a consolation gift.

At the end of Jurassic Park, the only survivors are whisked away in a giant expensive helicopter back to civilization and away from the chaos that almost certainly would have destroyed our way of life and the economy had the dinosaurs decided to swim over here and get jobs and eat everybody. People, we can’t just jump into some helicopter and fly off to another place, because guess what! There is no other place to go, and I don’t know anyone who can fly a helicopter. If unqualified people continue having babies they simply CANNOT support and who will contribute NOTHING special to society, then they shouldn’t be allowed to be born in the first place. Trust me, my plan is the only thing that makes any sense if you don’t want to be stuck in traffic for the rest of your life when you have to get to Linens-N-Things before they close, and everyone around you is a moron.