Tonight is the night, ladies and everyone. the night that I almost forgot about until five minutes ago when I saw an ad for it on the television. I am, of course, talking about the Academy Awards.

When I was little, I would hop up and then back down again over and over in excitement at the thought of seeing all the fancy movie stars kiss each other’s asses. Then when I was not little, I decided that Hollywood was bullshit and gaven’t two shits about the Oscars. But this year, I’m excited again, and I can’t explain why. Maybe because Jon Stewart is hosting instead of the moronic Whoopie Goldberg. And because there were some good movies this year that I really enjoyed. So without further crap, here are my predictions.

Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain

Best Actor: Heathback Seymour Mountain

Best Actress: Felicityback Huffmountain

Best Director: Speilback Moutainberg

Best Supporting Actor: Brokeback

Best Supporting Actress: Mountain

Best Sound Editing: Brokeback Mountain

Best Short Film: Brkbk Mntn

Best Foreign Film: Detrás Rota Montaña

Best Original Score: John Williams

Well, there they are. This year was pretty easy to predict, I must say. It should be noted, however, that John Williams is nominated twice this year for best score: once for Munich, and once for Memoirs of a Geisha. I predict that John Williams will be announced the winner for Munich, at which point an outraged John Williams from Geisha will rush up on stage, kick Munich John Williams in the balls, steal the award, and run screaming like a coked-up Helen Keller into the parking lot where security guards will beat him within inches of his life. All of this will be set to some fabulous action music that John Williams will write 20 minutes before the show and be awarded for in 2007, much to the chagrin of the John Williams who will write the score of the movie version of the debacle.

The End