Where’s all the money? Where is all the MONEY?? There is money in this world that belongs to ME, but something is wrong, and I don’t have the money, so I’ll ask again. WHERE IS MY FUCKING MONEY? Maybe you don’t understand, maybe I’m not speaking clearly. MONEY. Not mummy, or mummery or murmy or murmmeyrymummer. Can you hear me, God? Can you hear me, Devil? Is America listening? Listen: A lot of your money belongs to me, you just don’t know it yet. So give it to me. I deserve to cover my body in the most expensive barbeque sauce in the world and then have it licked off by a supermodel. NOT A REGULAR MODEL. I deserve the tongue of a SUPERmodel to lick the barbeque sauce off. Not some filthy, fresh from the garbage dump regular model who can’t read or speak english. A model with one name, that’s how famous they are. A model that doesn’t even have a name, just a facial expression that you make to signify that you are talking about her. And everyone knows who you mean when you make the face, because that’s how famous and beautiful they are. The kind of natural beauty that makes a beautiful Cancun sunset feel like the ugliest girl at the ball. And I’m not just talking about boobs. No sir. What was I talking about? oh, yes. WHERE IS MY MONEY?!! It’s time for me to be rich.

Make cheques payable to Joseph Devens. SPELL IT RIGHT, MORONS. I’ll be anticipating your money. Thank you.

–JD

ps: HOW TO BUY THINGS (a free tutorial):

step one – make sure the thing that you are buying has a whale on it, or my name, or a man with his head in the shape of Montana, or a rabbit with a long name.

step two – give me your money in exchange for the thing.

step three – DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN until you see Heidi Klum licking barbeque sauce off of my naked body.

step four – go away.

[ mood | MONEY ]
[ music | not music, MONEY. ]