Happy Christmas, everyone. I say “happy” instead of “merry” because that’s how they do it in Europe, and I’m classy like that. Also, if you celebrate one of those other, crappier holidays, have a nice one of those.
Today is the day in which we celebrate the birth of our lord and savior in heaven, Jesus Christ, King of the Jews, The Messiah, the reason for the season and the only thing on earth worth worshiping. If you’re not backing this guy, too bad for you cause you’re going to the eternal flames of Hell when you die. And it’s going to hurt a lot. These flames I’m talking about don’t consume, either. They just burn. So your nerve endings don’t burn off eventually, relieving the excruciating pain briefly before death. Not so. These flames just keep burning and burning and making you scream and go crazy with pain and it never ends, and the pain never stops because the burning never stops and you can never look forward to the soothing release of death. You just keep burning for ever.
|[||music|||||that creepy Paul McCartney Christmas song||]